Dad jokes
My dad left me.
A dad and his son walk out to the middle of the woods armed only with a shovel and a lantern.
Son: "Dad, it's creepy out here!"
Dad: "You're complaining? I'm the one that has to leave the woods alone!"
Daughter: Dad, why did Mom do best?
Dad: Nothing, except pretend to love us and leave.
Daughter: So she only loves my sister?
Dad: Yep.
What is the difference between the human rights act and a dad?
Son: Hey dad, why is my name Canada?
Dad: Because you were made there.
Mum: We haven't been to Canada.
Dad: Hol' up a minute.
Stop making jokes about 9/11, my dad died in 9/11.
BEST PILOT OF SOUTHERN ARABIA
ALAKBAR
How do you hire a horse? Easy. Just put up a ladder.
What do you call a pig who knows how to use a knife? A pork chop.
What kind of fish knows how to do an appendectomy? A sturgeon!
Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?
Unfortunately, many soles were lost.
Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs? Yes, hailing taxis.
Why doesn’t my bully get a dad joke? Oh, ya, ummm...
What do you say to the orphan?
"Shut up, get a mom and dad!"
My dad told me "No electronics at the table," so I unplugged my grandma's life support.
What do you call a person who keeps making jokes about rappers?
An annoying prick whose black dad left him as a kid.
What's small, stupid, and has no dad?
Ben.
"Well," he says, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screams, "Don't eat it! It's a fucking asshole."
Dad: Hey son, do you like Christmas?
12 year old me: Yeah!
Dad: Well, how would you feel about two?
Me: What?
I hate the 9/11 jokes; my dad and grandpa were killed.
My dad was one hell of a pilot.
Grandpa was a hell of a planner.
I was driving when I saw a kid chasing after a ball, but I didn’t have enough time to slow down. Then I pulled over, and the dad yelled, "What the fuck did you do?" I looked into the street and saw the ball completely deflated and the kid crying, "Now I gotta hear him bitch and moan all day," he continues.