Dad jokes

Daughter: Dad, why did Mom do best?

Dad: Nothing, except pretend to love us and leave.

Daughter: So she only loves my sister?

Dad: Yep.

Water to his Dad, Steam: Hi, Dad, I mist you!

Steam: double-you(w). aich(h). ay(a). tee(t)?

What is the difference between the human rights act and a dad?

My dad left me.

Evan, me and your mom are done with you.

Dad: Hey son, do you like Christmas?

12 year old me: Yeah!

Dad: Well, how would you feel about two?

Me: What?

Son: Hey dad, why is my name Canada?

Dad: Because you were made there.

Mum: We haven't been to Canada.

Dad: Hol' up a minute.

Stop making jokes about 9/11, my dad died in 9/11.

BEST PILOT OF SOUTHERN ARABIA

ALAKBAR

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?

Unfortunately, many soles were lost.

Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs? Yes, hailing taxis.

How do you hire a horse? Easy. Just put up a ladder.

What do you call a pig who knows how to use a knife? A pork chop.

What kind of fish knows how to do an appendectomy? A sturgeon!

I was driving when I saw a kid chasing after a ball, but I didn’t have enough time to slow down. Then I pulled over, and the dad yelled, "What the fuck did you do?" I looked into the street and saw the ball completely deflated and the kid crying, "Now I gotta hear him bitch and moan all day," he continues.

Dad/Mom: Son, you're adopted.

Son: I know. *holds up daddy's phone that has the text of them talking about it.*

Dad: Babe, we need to talk.

Mom: Okay......

Dad: He's grounded.

Mom: You're right, you're grounded! Oh, and I'm dumping you.

Son: Am I getting a new daddy?

Mom: Soon honey, soon....

Dad: I really shouldn't have let her know I cheating.

I say 123, yeah, the kids bullied me, but they really don't know that my dad has a gun, yeah.

Why does Adam go hockey, you might ask?

In my opinion, he shouldn't go because he is bad, but he needs the armor to protect himself from his own step-dad.

Little Johnny was told by his friend that if you go to your parents and say: "I know the truth," they give you money.

So Little Johnny says to his mum, "I know the truth," so his mum hands him 20 dollars and tells him not to tell anyone. So when Little Johnny’s dad gets home, Little Johnny says, "I know the truth." His dad hands him $50 and says not to tell anyone. So Little Johnny tries it on the postman and says, "I know the truth," and the postman says, "Come here, son."

Conversation between a little baby and a lady👇

👱LADY: Hi. 💂LIT.BABY: (No reply) 👱LADY: What is your name? 💂LIT.BABY: (No reply) 👱LADY: How old are you? 💂LIT.BABY: (No reply) 👱LADY: What is your mom's name? 💂LIT.BABY: (No reply) 👱LADY: What about your dad? 💂LIT.BABY: (No reply) 👱LADY: Can you spell your name? 💂LIT.BABY: (No reply) 👱LADY: Can you spell GOD? 💂LIT.BABY: (spelling) G.O.D

If a little baby can spell GOD, what about you? Just spend some minutes and type "GOD" if [you] know [that you] will sleep and wake up tomorrow by GOD's grace, ignore if you are living by power. MINE: GOD 😃

My dad said I should look if I could move a log. Well, he had to go get milk.