Dad jokes

What do you say to the orphan?

"Shut up, get a mom and dad!"

Your hairline is as nonexistent as your dad.

Friends, who's your barber? They mess up big time.

Me.

You're just jealous because my dad cuts my hair for free, and you have to be paying 30 dollars just for that short-ass cut.

Your dad is gone.

Why can't two Chinese make a white baby?

Because two Wongs don't make a white.

You were born out of your dad.

What is the difference between the human rights act and a dad?

My dad left me.

A dad and his son walk out to the middle of the woods armed only with a shovel and a lantern.

Son: "Dad, it's creepy out here!"

Dad: "You're complaining? I'm the one that has to leave the woods alone!"

Daughter: Dad, why did Mom do best?

Dad: Nothing, except pretend to love us and leave.

Daughter: So she only loves my sister?

Dad: Yep.

Water to his Dad, Steam: Hi, Dad, I mist you!

Steam: double-you(w). aich(h). ay(a). tee(t)?

"Well," he says, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it! It's a fucking asshole."

Evan, me and your mom are done with you.

Dad: Hey son, do you like Christmas?

12 year old me: Yeah!

Dad: Well, how would you feel about two?

Me: What?

Son: Hey dad, why is my name Canada?

Dad: Because you were made there.

Mum: We haven't been to Canada.

Dad: Hol' up a minute.

What's small, stupid, and has no dad?

Ben.

Why doesn’t my bully get a dad joke? Oh, ya, ummm...

My dad told me "No electronics at the table," so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

What do you call a person who keeps making jokes about rappers?

An annoying prick whose black dad left him as a kid.

I was driving when I saw a kid chasing after a ball, but I didn’t have enough time to slow down. Then I pulled over, and the dad yelled, "What the fuck did you do?" I looked into the street and saw the ball completely deflated and the kid crying, "Now I gotta hear him bitch and moan all day," he continues.