Dad jokes

I told my dad I was self harming. The next day we talked about it and he said, "Hey you should CUT it out." It was funny but I couldn't bring myself to laugh at that.

I have a friend who doesn't have a dad.

He says: "You're useless, go to hell!"

Me: "Wait, why do you want me to join your dad?"

I wish my dad was home. I haven’t seen him since the shot of 2008.

I walk in on my mum and she's in the middle of pulling off my dad's boxers. I said, "Mum, you really spoil those dogs!"

I cleaned my room today. While sweeping under the bed, I heard my mop collide with something. To my surprise, I found Pristiano Penaldo hiding under my bed! My dad said, “Don’t bother sweeping him son, he’s been dusted for years.” I was shocked but not surprised.

My mom is in the FBI. My dad is in the FBI. My sister is in the FBI. My brother is in the FBI. And do you know what I am?

Divorced.

Why does that kid have to stay in that orphanage?

He should just go to his mom and dad!

The quiet kid's dad dies. You go, "Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Not your dad."

Then he says, "What comes after 47?"

The quiet kid says, "AK."

Why is my dad gone?

I don't know.

We were so poor when we were kids, dad used to jerk off the dog to feed the cat.

Child: Hello, I can’t find my dad.

Stranger: Oh, well when and where did you last see him?

Child: Oh, I remember, 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.

A child is determined to burn his home down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm across the mother and stated, “That’s arson.”

Why do orphans like boomerangs?

Because they come back, unlike their dad.

10 years ago my dad said I should eat cereal with water until he comes back with the milk... I still eat cereal with water, sadly.

My little league football debut was a lot like the first time I had sex. I was beaten, bruised, and bloody, but at least my Dad came.

Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?

Son: Sure thing, dad!

Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!

Son: I don't get the joke, dad.

Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.

Girl: I like girls.

Dad: Ok?

Girl 2: I like girls too.

Dad: Okay, so who likes boys?!

Boy: I do.

What's one thing you'll never find in lost and found?

Your dad.

My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

I would tell a joke, but I’m sad my dad died in 9/11. He’s the greatest pilot that went down with the Twin Towers.