Dad jokes
We were so poor when we were kids, dad used to jerk off the dog to feed the cat.
Child: Hello, I can’t find my dad.
Stranger: Oh, well when and where did you last see him?
Child: Oh, I remember, 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.
A child is determined to burn his home down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm across the mother and stated, “That’s arson.”
Why do orphans like boomerangs?
Because they come back, unlike their dad.
10 years ago my dad said I should eat cereal with water until he comes back with the milk... I still eat cereal with water, sadly.
My little league football debut was a lot like the first time I had sex. I was beaten, bruised, and bloody, but at least my Dad came.
Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?
Son: Sure thing, dad!
Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!
Son: I don't get the joke, dad.
Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.
Girl: I like girls.
Dad: Ok?
Girl 2: I like girls too.
Dad: Okay, so who likes boys?!
Boy: I do.
What's one thing you'll never find in lost and found?
Your dad.
My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.
So I took down his confederate flag.
I would tell a joke, but I’m sad my dad died in 9/11. He’s the greatest pilot that went down with the Twin Towers.
I wasn't close to my dad when he died.
Which was good, he died to a landmine.
One day, Johnny told his dad that a girl in his class liked him. He thought she was cute. She said, "Aw, you're like candy!" He didn't say anything. He said, "Why don't you think I am sweet like candy?" Little Johnny said, "Well, sometimes I get a toothache, and it hurts, so I stop eating it, like I stopped liking you."
Me: Dad, my phone is broken.
Dad: How?
Me: I clicked the home button, but I'm still at school.
Dad: Stupid.
My dad owns a countertop store and sometimes he'll barter.
A lot of the time he will take things for granite.
A lot of counter-offers were made.
I like telling dad jokes.
He laughs at most of them.
1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.
2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.
3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.
4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.
5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.
7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.
8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.
10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?
11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.
12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.
Why are orphans so scared of the dark?
The dad can't check the closet for them.
What did the dad say to the kid?
Nothing, he went to get the milk.
Why didn't the orphan do the work?
Because when the teacher says they would call your mum or dad, there's nobody to call.