Dad jokes

10 years ago my dad said I should eat cereal with water until he comes back with the milk... I still eat cereal with water, sadly.

My little league football debut was a lot like the first time I had sex. I was beaten, bruised, and bloody, but at least my Dad came.

Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?

Son: Sure thing, dad!

Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!

Son: I don't get the joke, dad.

Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.

Girl: I like girls.

Dad: Ok?

Girl 2: I like girls too.

Dad: Okay, so who likes boys?!

Boy: I do.

What's one thing you'll never find in lost and found?

Your dad.

My dad said people shouldn’t get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

I would tell a joke, but I’m sad my dad died in 9/11. He’s the greatest pilot that went down with the Twin Towers.

I wasn't close to my dad when he died.

Which was good, he died to a landmine.

One day, Johnny told his dad that a girl in his class liked him. He thought she was cute. She said, "Aw, you're like candy!" He didn't say anything. He said, "Why don't you think I am sweet like candy?" Little Johnny said, "Well, sometimes I get a toothache, and it hurts, so I stop eating it, like I stopped liking you."

Me: Dad, my phone is broken.

Dad: How?

Me: I clicked the home button, but I'm still at school.

Dad: Stupid.

My dad owns a countertop store and sometimes he'll barter.

A lot of the time he will take things for granite.

A lot of counter-offers were made.

I like telling dad jokes.

He laughs at most of them.

1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.

2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.

3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.

4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.

5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.

7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.

8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.

10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?

11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.

12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.

Why are orphans so scared of the dark?

The dad can't check the closet for them.

What did the dad say to the kid?

Nothing, he went to get the milk.

Why didn't the orphan do the work?

Because when the teacher says they would call your mum or dad, there's nobody to call.

A teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the workforce, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.” “I still don’t get it,” responded Little Johnny. “Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad. “Okay then...good night,” said Little Johnny and went off to bed.

In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole, he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, “OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the workforce, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!”

Mom: Remember, you can tell me anything.

Abbie: I had sex with dad.

Mom: Go die in a hole!

Dad: Boy, come sit in this hole while I brace the ground.

Boy: I don't want to see Grandpa, he scares me!

Lil Johnny came home one day and said, "What do fucking each other mean?"

Then he walked through the living room and his dad was fucking his mom, so oh.