Lost Jokes

Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield?

"Everywhere."

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Why do Republican men hate transgender people?

Because they lost a dick-measuring contest to a ladyboy in Thailand!

Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?

Because the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population.

A woman gets rid of polish with chemicals and no one bats an eye The Germans got rid of polish with chemicals and everyone lost their mind

How do you know that the U.S. sucks at chess?

They lost two towers.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.

i just found out my ex got stabbed today....lets just say i lost my job as a butcher

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

- Carlos.

I lost my black friend in the shadows. I lost my white friend on the wall. I lost my Asian friend in the sand and I lost my Islamic friend in the bombings.

Three men are travelling through the desert when their single camel dies. They walk for a while but then it becomes night. Desperate for shelter, suddenly they stumble across a tent and inside is three beautiful women. The men were not only lost but horny too so they begin to have sex with the women. But the tent belongs to a prince and these three women were his wives so he is very angry when he arrives an hour later and sees three strangers having sex with his wives. He tells the three men he will chop off their penises as punishment, in some way relating to their job. He asks the first man what his job is: The guy says, "I'm a fireman" The prince says, "Then we'll burn your dick off!" The second guy says, "I'm an employee at the shooting range" The prince says, "Then we'll shoot your dick off!" The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman

Why don't orphans like to get lost??

Because somebody's going to ask where their parents are.

I lost a race with a handicapped person today. The problem was the race was all stairs.

Gravity sure is fast

Today I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone in under 20 seconds. Well I lost my job at the aquarium today.

A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her. "Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."

The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fullfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"

"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.

"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"