Crime Jokes

Did you hear about the two burglars that stole a calendar? I hear they got six months each.

A woman ran into a police station screeming "help i have bin graped" the policeman said "do you mean raped" the woman said "no the was a bunch of then".

Alven and the chimpmunks commit war crimes

A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand sanitiser. The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand sanitiser anymore

my gun is like my house used to be full now its empty

The kid with a gun walked into my class room and fucking shot the teacher. He pointed the gun at me and asked,

"What's 2+2?" I answer him and he writes the answer down on his test. He did this with every kid. He got a 100%, expelled, and a lifetime in prison. Hey at least he gets free food.

if being sexy were a crime you better lock me up. not because I'm sexy but because I have 5 dead children in my basement

why cant orphan be robbers cause they're not wanted

A panda walks into a restaurant orders some food and eats it. Once he was done he shoots the waiter then leaves. Police and detectives arrive at the scene, they ask the waiter "who did this to you? what happened?" The waiter replies "A panda, eats shoots and leaves"

What does an armed bank robbery and Michael Jackson have in common?

Someone gets hurt

ya make 10 paintings, you arent an artist ya make 20 meals, you arent a chef but when i kill ONE PERSON, im a "horrible person" and a "menace to society"

I had sex with twins, well I think it was twins all my rage victims look alike

What’s the difference between a police man and a bullet? At least when a bullet kills someone it’s actually fired

There is a dark alley Who Do You Call? Batman.

Orphan- I want to be like batman Orphan worker- You are already like him hunny

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.

Shoplifter tried to rob a grocery store. He was asked to give an EGGsplanation.

A cop pulls two Arabian men over, walks up to their window and says "We are looking for two child molesters". Now after a short pause the two men look at each other,then back at the officer and say "we'll do it!"