Crime jokes

Why does JD Vance not need a conviction?

His running mate has 34 of them!

What's the difference between life and a rape joke?

Life fucks you until you stop breathing, a rape joke fucks you until it's not funny anymore.

A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."

When you're a terrorist and you have a stutter.

A a a a a a a a ala ala ala ala ala alaog alaogbar.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack, then sell it again.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

What do pedophiles call children in wheelchairs?

"Meals on Wheels."

What did the racist serial killer say to the cop?

“Wait, you’re getting paid?”

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

What do you call pedophiles on a beach? Pedos in Speedos.

Me: (pointing up in the air) "Everybody listen up, this is a robbery!"

Girl: "Dude, this is a library."

Me: "Oh." (screwing on a silencer)

I'm a rapist.

What’s George Floyd’s favorite color? Neon black.

What do the Spanish people call child abuse? Pedrophile.

Why can't orphans be criminals?

Because they're not wanted.

I hate double standards. If you burn a body at a crematorium, you're doing a good job. If you burn a body at home, you're destroying evidence.

What does Michael Jackson and Jeffery Dahmer have in common?

They both enjoy kids' company.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and my uncle? Nothing, they both steal children.

What’s the difference between a thief and a pervert?

One will snatch your watch, the other will watch your snatch.

Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.