Crime jokes
Whoever stole my Microsoft Office account, I'll make you pay. You have my word!
Joker gives Batman a phone.
Thomas: "Uhh, son, we need to talk... about the uhh, dressing up."
Martha: "Hello dearie, Brucie, is it ok if you visit me when you go to Joker's house?"
A policeman walks up to a van with two priests and says, "We're looking for two child molesters."
The priests both look at each other for a moment and then say, "Okay, we'll do it."
What does an orphan call a kidnapping?
A surprise adoption.
"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.
“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.
Did you hear about the new P. Diddy meal in McDonald's? It's a 56-year-old meat inside a 12-year-old bun.
A tiny psychic escaped from jail, and the news said there a small medium at large.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a dead pedophile? Nothing.
How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!
What's a convict's favorite chore?
Weeding.
Me: (pointing up in the air) "Everybody listen up, this is a robbery!"
Girl: "Dude, this is a library."
Me: "Oh." (screwing on a silencer)
A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.
The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"
What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.
Why can’t you kidnap an orphan?
Because you can’t steal what was never wanted in the first place.
Why can’t pedophiles ever win races? Because they are always coming in a little behind.
What's the difference between life and a rape joke?
Life fucks you until you stop breathing, a rape joke fucks you until it's not funny anymore.
Why does JD Vance not need a conviction?
His running mate has 34 of them!
Why did the rapist go after the mute? It would be a silent attack.
A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack, then sell it again.