Crime jokes

What is the difference between Catholics and Lutherans?

Catholics are registered sex offenders.

I guess making 9/11 jokes at the airport is better than shouting "He's got a gun!" at the airport.

A limbless criminal has just been identified. Police say the suspect is armed and on the run.

What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic priest?

One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

If abortion is murder, is jerking off genocide?

What was Michael Jackson's answer to the parents of the little boys who were left with him when asked why does he do it that way? Tell them that it's human nature.

Joker gives Batman a phone.

Thomas: "Uhh, son, we need to talk... about the uhh, dressing up."

Martha: "Hello dearie, Brucie, is it ok if you visit me when you go to Joker's house?"

Why did the hooker fall in love? Stockholm syndrome.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office account, I'll make you pay. You have my word!

I lost my driver's license today. I hit my ex with my car.

I was reading the news and read that a kid killed his family, and when they interviewed him, he said he wanted to become Batman.

Q. What's a bulimic's favorite movie?

A. The Purge.

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer.

What did Trump say to Epstein? "I like my tea like I like my teens: warm, sweet, and freshly made."

What do you get when you cross Bill Cosby and Jeffrey Epstein?

Predator 2.

As a murderer, I stabbed a man after infiltrating his house. His wife came in and saw me. She fell into tears. I got up and said, "Drama queen!"

Did you hear about the new P. Diddy meal in McDonald's? It's a 56-year-old meat inside a 12-year-old bun.

A tiny psychic escaped from jail, and the news said there a small medium at large.

How do you turn a baby into a dog?

Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!