What does Michael Jackson ask little boys before going to bed? Are you sleeping?
I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.
How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!
A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.
The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"
There is one rapist among us.
Why can’t you kidnap an orphan?
Because you can’t steal what was never wanted in the first place.
Why can’t pedophiles ever win races? Because they are always coming in a little behind.
Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!
A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.
What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.
What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack, then sell it again.
How do you get Wacko Jacko to come inside your shop? Have little boys' pants half off!
What did the cannibal do after eating all the vegetables?
Sold the wheelchairs on eBay.
Why does JD Vance not need a conviction?
His running mate has 34 of them!
What do you call a school shooting survivor who grows up to be a prostitute on the West Coast?
A Sandy Hooker
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
What do pedophiles call children in wheelchairs?
"Meals on Wheels."
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
Me: (pointing up in the air) "Everybody listen up, this is a robbery!"
Girl: "Dude, this is a library."
Me: "Oh." (screwing on a silencer)
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
What’s the difference between a thief and a pervert?
One will snatch your watch, the other will watch your snatch.
Why can't orphans be criminals?
Because they're not wanted.
