Crime jokes

Joker gives Batman a phone.

Thomas: "Uhh, son, we need to talk... about the uhh, dressing up."

Martha: "Hello dearie, Brucie, is it ok if you visit me when you go to Joker's house?"

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer.

James Last, the king of the LP bargain bin, died a Florida Man.

Are you a gun, because I would be your bullets because I love going in children.

What was Michael Jackson's answer to the parents of the little boys who were left with him when asked why does he do it that way? Tell them that it's human nature.

What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic priest?

One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

I guess making 9/11 jokes at the airport is better than shouting "He's got a gun!" at the airport.

Why did the hooker fall in love? Stockholm syndrome.

A tiny psychic escaped from jail, and the news said there a small medium at large.

What's a convict's favorite chore?

Weeding.

How do you turn a baby into a dog?

Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!

I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.

Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.

Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a dead pedophile? Nothing.

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

Why can’t you kidnap an orphan?

Because you can’t steal what was never wanted in the first place.

What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.

Why can’t pedophiles ever win races? Because they are always coming in a little behind.

Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!

A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.

What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.

What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.

A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."