Crime jokes

What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic priest?

One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

If abortion is murder, is jerking off genocide?

What was Michael Jackson's answer to the parents of the little boys who were left with him when asked why does he do it that way? Tell them that it's human nature.

Joker gives Batman a phone.

Thomas: "Uhh, son, we need to talk... about the uhh, dressing up."

Martha: "Hello dearie, Brucie, is it ok if you visit me when you go to Joker's house?"

Why did the hooker fall in love? Stockholm syndrome.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office account, I'll make you pay. You have my word!

What do you get when you cross Bill Cosby and Jeffrey Epstein?

Predator 2.

I lost my driver's license today. I hit my ex with my car.

I was reading the news and read that a kid killed his family, and when they interviewed him, he said he wanted to become Batman.

Q. What's a bulimic's favorite movie?

A. The Purge.

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer.

A tiny psychic escaped from jail, and the news said there a small medium at large.

How do you turn a baby into a dog?

Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!

What's a convict's favorite chore?

Weeding.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a dead pedophile? Nothing.

I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.

Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.

Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.