Crime jokes

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and my uncle? Nothing, they both steal children.

What’s the difference between a thief and a pervert?

One will snatch your watch, the other will watch your snatch.

Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

"This morning, I came out my front door to see my neighbor frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray-painted on his front window."

"What's been going on, John?" I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

The dirty bastard!

A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat. He is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with, "What do you mean? I already did it." Then the police ran back to the school to apprehend the other people he was planning it with. The cops busted in through the doors, which caused a smoke trap to go off, which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear, the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles, 4 per pole. Back at the station, holding the kid being apprehended, the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said, "Aww, it pays to be lazy!"

In jail, why is the white guy scarier than the black guy? Because the white guy actually did something.

Why do pedophiles go to a nursery?

Early access.

What's the hardest thing about being a pedophile?

Just trying to fit in.

A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say, "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" After that he joined the Army and learned to say, "Yes sir!" After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say, "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words, "Goody-goody gumdrops!"

A few weeks later, there was a murder in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows:

Policeman: "Who killed the man?" Foreign man: "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" Policeman: "Did you kill the man?" Foreign man: "Yes sir!" Policeman: "What did you use to kill him?" Foreign man: "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" Policeman: "You're under arrest." Foreign man: "Goody-goody gumdrops!"

A woman has been raped by a man. She calls the police, and a policeman shows up.

Woman: "Please help, officer! I have been raped!"

Officer: "No problem, ma'am, I will just unrape you."

Woman: "What? Unrape me? How?"

Officer proceeds to bring back the rapist and forces the woman to rape the rapist back in order to cancel out the initial rape.

Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven is a registered sex offender.

What does a killer say in the shower in the morning?

- Splish splash, I'm gonna slash...

What is the world's greatest invention? The ball gag, do you know why? Honestly, officer, I never heard her say no.

What's the difference between sex and rape? Some effective drugs.

Why do so many people get charged with rape? Because they are too stupid to finish her off and bury the body.

If I were alone on an island with Camilla Cabello, and we were never going to escape, I'd rape her. I mean, what is she going to do? Tell someone?

Why did Michael Jackson go to jail? He was feeling a little Randy.

What do you call a dead woman in the back of your car?

Idk, I just have a couple in the backseat.

Did you guys see on the news where they arrested that pervert at the Michaels Crafts store?

He was running around completely naked and had sprinkled glitter all over his testicles. I guess it was pretty nuts.

Q: How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Not three. My damn basement is still dark...