Crime jokes
The time when Michael Jackson came in his pajamas during the trial. Whether or not it was because he saw a 7-year-old boy has yet to be determined.
Why does JD Vance not need a conviction?
His running mate has 34 of them!
Why did the rapist go after the mute? It would be a silent attack.
A guy stole my car last night. Before dialing 911 I thought, "Fuck it. Let him explain the dead bodies in the trunk."
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack, then sell it again.
What is the world's greatest invention? The ball gag, do you know why? Honestly, officer, I never heard her say no.
what did the woman do after meeting up with a rapist?
sue the dating site for matching her with him.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
Why did Susie get cut from the soccer team? She has no legs!
Who broke into my house by kicking down my door? Not Susie... But she still is in my basement, since she can't run!
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
What do you call pedophiles on a beach? Pedos in Speedos.
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Why did the orphan become a killer?
Because he knew they would not look for him.
What does Michael Jackson and Jeffery Dahmer have in common?
They both enjoy kids' company.
Why can't orphans be criminals?
Because they're not wanted.
I put someone in a wheelchair into the fire and called him "hot wheels."
Why are orphans good at being a criminal?
Because they're not wanted.
What do the Spanish people call child abuse? Pedrophile.
I was digging a hole in the garden until I found some coins! I was about to tell my mum when I remembered I was digging a hole in the garden.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and my uncle? Nothing, they both steal children.