Crime jokes

There are people who are beautiful, and then there are people whom I won't rape.

What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most?

The “cold and passed out” kind.

What's a pedophile's favorite type of shoe?

White Vans.

Cops go to the hood when the shooting range is closed.

A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.

"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

Why do rapists and pedophiles never win a race?

Because they always like to come in a little behind.

Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?

It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.

Don't be scared of skeletons.

They don't have the guts for murder.

Me: Brings in missing child.

Police: OMG this kid has been missing for 3 months. Here is your reward.

Me: Oh, cool.

NEXT DAY

Me: Brings in 8 other kids.

Police :0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.

"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"

"Who was in the race?"

"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"

Why is prostitution illegal?

Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them.

What’s a kidnapper's favorite shoe brand?

White vans.

James Last, the king of the LP bargain bin, died a Florida Man.

If a homeschooled kid kills his parents, is it considered a school shooting?

I like my women like I like my wine. 16 years old and locked in a basement.

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

Why did orphans want to commit a crime?

Because they wanted to see what it feels like to be wanted.

I don't understand why, when I went to the shooting range today, the police came. Like, bro, I always go to elementary schools.