Crime jokes

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

Why do rapists and pedophiles never win a race?

Because they always like to come in a little behind.

Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?

It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.

Don't be scared of skeletons.

They don't have the guts for murder.

Me: Brings in missing child.

Police: OMG this kid has been missing for 3 months. Here is your reward.

Me: Oh, cool.

NEXT DAY

Me: Brings in 8 other kids.

Police :0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: How are Clocks like Pedophiles? A: They both stop at 12.

What’s a kidnapper's favorite shoe brand?

White vans.

Yo mama's so dumb, when a robber stole her TV, she said, "You forgot the remote!"

James Last, the king of the LP bargain bin, died a Florida Man.

I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy, then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

If a homeschooled kid kills his parents, is it considered a school shooting?

I like my women like I like my wine. 16 years old and locked in a basement.

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

Why did orphans want to commit a crime?

Because they wanted to see what it feels like to be wanted.

What do you say when you see your TV floating away at night?

"Drop it, Jamal!"

I don't understand why, when I went to the shooting range today, the police came. Like, bro, I always go to elementary schools.

What do you do during a shooting? Why, join in, of course...

When the police caught him stealing the batteries, he got immediately charged!

What’s worse than George Bush doing 9/11? Jeffrey Epstein doing nine Elevens.

I was laughing my ass off when the 12-year-old child realized the door to my basement was unlocked, and he didn't need to cannibalize his two friends in a desperate attempt for survival. 🤣🤣🤣