Crime jokes

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

There are people who are beautiful, and then there are people whom I won't rape.

What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most?

The “cold and passed out” kind.

Cops go to the hood when the shooting range is closed.

What's a pedophile's favorite type of shoe?

White Vans.

A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.

"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."

Why do rapists and pedophiles never win a race?

Because they always like to come in a little behind.

I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.

Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?

It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.

"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"

"Who was in the race?"

"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"

Don't be scared of skeletons.

They don't have the guts for murder.

Me: Brings in missing child.

Police: OMG this kid has been missing for 3 months. Here is your reward.

Me: Oh, cool.

NEXT DAY

Me: Brings in 8 other kids.

Police :0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't understand why, when I went to the shooting range today, the police came. Like, bro, I always go to elementary schools.

I like my women like I like my wine. 16 years old and locked in a basement.

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

Why did orphans want to commit a crime?

Because they wanted to see what it feels like to be wanted.

If a homeschooled kid kills his parents, is it considered a school shooting?

I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.

I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.

Q. What do you get when you cross a mentally disabled person with a pedophile? A. Jeffy Epstein.

I was laughing my ass off when the 12-year-old child realized the door to my basement was unlocked, and he didn't need to cannibalize his two friends in a desperate attempt for survival. 🤣🤣🤣