Crime jokes
A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.
There were two peanuts walking down an alley. One was assaulted.
Age is just a number,
Jail is just a room.
What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped?
Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."
The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
There are people who are beautiful, and then there are people whom I won't rape.
What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most?
The “cold and passed out” kind.
What's a pedophile's favorite type of shoe?
White Vans.
Me: Brings in missing child.
Police: OMG this kid has been missing for 3 months. Here is your reward.
Me: Oh, cool.
NEXT DAY
Me: Brings in 8 other kids.
Police :0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"
"Who was in the race?"
"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"
Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?
It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.
I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.
Don't be scared of skeletons.
They don't have the guts for murder.
I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.
I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.
Why is prostitution illegal?
Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them.
Q. What do you get when you cross a mentally disabled person with a pedophile? A. Jeffy Epstein.
What’s a kidnapper's favorite shoe brand?
White vans.
A police officer pulls over two Catholic priests. He says he's looking for two child molesters.
The Catholic priests look at each other: "We'll do it!"
I was laughing my ass off when the 12-year-old child realized the door to my basement was unlocked, and he didn't need to cannibalize his two friends in a desperate attempt for survival. 🤣🤣🤣
James Last, the king of the LP bargain bin, died a Florida Man.