Crime jokes

Me and my stepmom went into the forest.

I think I hid the body pretty well, but now I have to hide the gun.

Kidnapping is just surprise adoption.

What 3 words started Jeffery Dahmer's cannibalism?

This isn't ketchup.

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

My undergrad was killer. It was murder in the first degree.

A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.

Today, I gave a blind kid a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. The police thought it was suicide since I have no fingerprints. Wow, I’m so nice taking care of the disabled.

What sort of file turns a one inch hole into a two inch hole?

A pedophile.

It's statistically proven that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

There were two peanuts walking down an alley. One was assaulted.

What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped?

Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.

What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most?

The “cold and passed out” kind.

Cops go to the hood when the shooting range is closed.

What's a pedophile's favorite type of shoe?

White Vans.

What is the worst thing you can find out about a woman on a first date?

She claims to have been raped. Then, you know to get as far away from her as possible because she's probably a feminazi bitch.

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?

It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.

Don't be scared of skeletons.

They don't have the guts for murder.

A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.

"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."

I don't understand why, when I went to the shooting range today, the police came. Like, bro, I always go to elementary schools.