Crime jokes
What is the difference between Catholics and Lutherans?
Catholics are registered sex offenders.
What is the best way to pick up a woman from the bar?
Spike her drink with roofies.
Why did the baseball player go to jail?
Because he stole first base.
What was Michael Jackson's answer to the parents of the little boys who were left with him when asked why does he do it that way? Tell them that it's human nature.
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
(People will then say "r")
Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.
What did the Japanese man say to his friend after he killed somebody?
"That is very Wong."
"He scratched his face up, detective. That did it."
"Did I do that?"
What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic priest?
One goes limp when a child walks in the room.
What did the woman do when the armed police officer raped her?
Freeze.
How many times does 42 go into 9?
Get in the van to find out.
Why did the rape victim cross the road?
Because she was a chicken!
Last night, I burned an orphanage. There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do? Tell your parents?"
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he was arrested on suspicion of murder.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
'Cause 7 was a 6 offender.
New skin unlocked: Blood splatter!
(Obtained by running over 69 children.)
What does a pedophile and a light switch have in common?
They both get turned on by children.
What's up guys! Quandale Dingle here (RUUEHEHEHEHEHEEHE). I have been arrested for multiple crimes (AHHHHHHHHHHHHH) including: Battery on a police officer (WHAT), Grand theft, Declaring war on Italy, and public indecency (RUHEHEHEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE x2 speed).
I will be escaping prison on, MARCH 28TH! After that I will take over the worl[d].
Being raped is like a dance; sometimes it hurts, sometimes it hurts more.
Jack and Jill went up to an abandoned house.
Jack drank too much and unzipped his fly. Jack said, "You know you wanna." Jill said, "No." So Jack locked both of them in the house and put a gag in Jill's mouth, tied her to a bed. He ripped off her dress and underwear. He took off his pants and his underwear too, then put on a condom. He then put a pill in her mouth and made her swallow. One minute later she was asleep. He took off her gag and mounted himself on her, then stuck his "candystick" in her mouth, next her fanny. Then his condom broke, but he was too drunk to notice. Nine months later a baby's born and Jack's in jail as the father.
Why do my parents not love me? Because I've fucked 12 dogs and 7 minors while they were watching!