What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?
My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.
Crime Jokes
Everybody loves guns!
Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.
"This morning, I came out my front door to see my neighbor frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray-painted on his front window."
"What's been going on, John?" I asked.
"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.
The dirty bastard!
I put someone in a wheelchair into the fire and called him "hot wheels."
A man found a chest full of gold, so he went to go tell his wife, only to remember why he was digging.
Why did the orphan become a killer?
Because he knew they would not look for him.
"You are under arrest for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!"
"Wait! I can explain everything!"
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?
What’s George Floyd’s favorite color? Neon black.
I hate double standards. If you burn a body at a crematorium, you're doing a good job. If you burn a body at home, you're destroying evidence.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and my uncle? Nothing, they both steal children.
You know what I hate about rape?
Keeping it a secret.
What is it called when Bill Cosby and an illegal immigrant fight?
Aliens vs. Predator
What is a school shooter's favorite animal?
A Desert Eagle.
A blind guy shot up a town.
I guess he couldn’t see the road to heaven.
I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said, “Well, that’s a little condescending.”
Did you guys see on the news where they arrested that pervert at the Michaels Crafts store?
He was running around completely naked and had sprinkled glitter all over his testicles. I guess it was pretty nuts.
What's the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement?
Baby Jesus died a virgin.
A pedophile is playing poker with 8 seven-year-olds.
The pedophile has a pair of 7's and three 4's in the river. He smiles and says, "Yay, I got me a full house!"
