Crime jokes

Rape is a touchy subject.

Q: What's the hardest thing about losing your virginity?

A: Making sure she doesn't wake up.

You ever hear of a reverse exorcism?

It's where the devil tells the priest to get out of the child.

How do you get away with rape and incest in California?

Say you identify as a woman. Fact: It's actually legal to rape your daughter if you are a woman in California.

I was going to make a rape joke, but I don’t think you would’ve given me consent.

This girl came to me and said, "I got raped in my sleep!"

I replied, "I done it as a joke."

-April 1, 2020

Why did the coffee file a police report?

Because it got mugged.

Where's a cannibal's favorite place to eat?

Chili's, because they got them baby back ribs.

What do you call a fat girl with a rape alarm?

Optimistic.

What is the most common crime in China?

Identity fraud.

What are the best shooting ranges in America?

Schools.

What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison?

An escapea.

What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They slow down near schoolzones.

I told the judge I thought she was unconscious before she woke up crying. The judge asked: "Why didn't you drug her again so she would forget?"

So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

What is the difference between a washing machine and a hooker?

I can put a load in the washing machine without it following me.

I like my cigars like I like my women: 7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba.

Ok, not really racist but still funny.

I stole one's balls.

What's the best part about a dead hooker? The second hour is free!

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.