What do you call a fat girl with a rape alarm?
Optimistic.
What is the most common crime in China?
Identity fraud.
What are the best shooting ranges in America?
Schools.
What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison?
An escapea.
I told the judge I thought she was unconscious before she woke up crying. The judge asked: "Why didn't you drug her again so she would forget?"
What is the difference between a washing machine and a hooker?
I can put a load in the washing machine without it following me.
How do you avoid getting raped? Just don't say no!
So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.
What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They slow down near schoolzones.
Me and my stepmom went into the forest.
I think I hid the body pretty well, but now I have to hide the gun.
I stole one's balls.
Kidnapping is just surprise adoption.
Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.
What's the best part about a dead hooker? The second hour is free!
What 3 words started Jeffery Dahmer's cannibalism?
This isn't ketchup.
You ever hear of a reverse exorcism?
It's where the devil tells the priest to get out of the child.
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."
The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
My undergrad was killer. It was murder in the first degree.
A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.
Today, I gave a blind kid a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. The police thought it was suicide since I have no fingerprints. Wow, I’m so nice taking care of the disabled.
