Crime jokes

Q. What do you call a gun that rapes someone?

A. An assault rifle.

What shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans.

How do pedophiles fit in? They force it to go in.

How do you make a 16 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A pedophile comes in.

What did Santa say when he was passing over some hookers? "Ho ho ho!"

Someone in London is stabbed every two minutes. Poor guy.

Rape is a touchy subject.

Shit! My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs! I've been his customer for 4 years, but I had no idea he was a barber.

What did the cop say after he shot the ginger?

"I guess orange is the new black."

Q: What's the hardest thing about losing your virginity?

A: Making sure she doesn't wake up.

I was going to make a rape joke, but I don’t think you would’ve given me consent.

Where's a cannibal's favorite place to eat?

Chili's, because they got them baby back ribs.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

Because it got mugged.

What do you call a fat girl with a rape alarm?

Optimistic.

What is the most common crime in China?

Identity fraud.

What are the best shooting ranges in America?

Schools.

What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison?

An escapea.

What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They slow down near schoolzones.

I told the judge I thought she was unconscious before she woke up crying. The judge asked: "Why didn't you drug her again so she would forget?"

So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

What is the difference between a washing machine and a hooker?

I can put a load in the washing machine without it following me.

I like my cigars like I like my women: 7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba.

Ok, not really racist but still funny.

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.