Crime jokes
What kind of file turns a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A pedophile.
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash its crack and sell it again.
How did the rape victim on a diet lose 21 grams?
She died.
What's Michael Jackson's favorite toy?
Wet 6-year-old balls.
A man is being sued for raping a deaf girl. The judge, showing his pinky:
"You should be ashamed, man, your conscience is even smaller than that!"
The girl, showing her arm:
"Mhhhmmhmm, mhhmhm!"
Michelle Obama wanted more vegetables in school.
What happens when you find a bomb at your local bazaar?
It becomes a flee market.
Did you hear about the terrorist comedian?
He was actually quite funny...
He just blew the delivery.
(I'll show myself out).
What's the best part of a terrorist on Fourth of July?
The finale.
Q. What's the difference between people and a toilet?
A. Neither does R. Kelly.
My life #freemymanrkelly
Here’s what I did to the kids at the orphanage. I dropkicked 12, lit 10 on fire, comboed 9, punched 3, and murdered 1.
There was an orphan once, and someone knocks on his door and said, "Hello, son, come and hug me." But the orphan says, "Excuse me, who are you?" and the guy says, "You don't remember me? I'm your dad." And then the orphan says, "Fine then, if you're really my dad, come inside and let me ask you some questions." And the man says, "OK then, but I am really your dad." Then the orphan asked some questions to the man, and the man gets some of them right, so the orphan believes that the man is his dad. And then the orphan says, "You really are my dad?" and then he shows his dad his house, and the orphan has a roommate, and the dad and the orphan finally get to the bedroom, and then the dad knocks out the orphan, and then the dad starts to have something with the orphan/son, and the roommate hears weird noises in the orphan's/son's room, and he walks in and sees them having sex, and the roommate records it but then kicks the dad out of the house, and then the roommate shares the video to the orphan's school chat, and then the next day the dad gets arrested because he was actually a gay nonce, and everybody at the orphan's school calls him gay, but he really isn't, but since he was mad and disgusted, he pulled an AK47 out of his bag and kills everybody in the school and was never seen again.
Btw this is a joke so don't take it seriously.
Came across the headline this morning whilst reading the paper...
"Woman beats off Rapist in carpark!"
I suppose that was a fair compromise!
My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved!
The last time I had flying lessons, I hit some building in Manhattan. Then my Uncle got shot in 2008. Darn...
What 16 stoner rode a Derby winner?
Lester Piggott's cellmate.
It's not a hate crime if you don't hate the person.
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
I looked so deep in the dark web, I started to see Tyrone.
It's impossible to rape a rapeist because rapeists want sex.