Crime jokes

99% of women kiss with their eyes closed, that's why it's so hard to identify the rapist.

Q. What do you call a gun that rapes someone?

A. An assault rifle.

What shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans.

How do pedophiles fit in? They force it to go in.

How do you make a 16 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A pedophile comes in.

What did Santa say when he was passing over some hookers? "Ho ho ho!"

Someone in London is stabbed every two minutes. Poor guy.

Rape is a touchy subject.

Shit! My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs! I've been his customer for 4 years, but I had no idea he was a barber.

What did the cop say after he shot the ginger?

"I guess orange is the new black."

Q: What's the hardest thing about losing your virginity?

A: Making sure she doesn't wake up.

I was going to make a rape joke, but I don’t think you would’ve given me consent.

Where's a cannibal's favorite place to eat?

Chili's, because they got them baby back ribs.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

Because it got mugged.

What do you call a fat girl with a rape alarm?

Optimistic.

What is the most common crime in China?

Identity fraud.

What are the best shooting ranges in America?

Schools.

What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison?

An escapea.

What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They slow down near schoolzones.

I told the judge I thought she was unconscious before she woke up crying. The judge asked: "Why didn't you drug her again so she would forget?"

So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

What is the difference between a washing machine and a hooker?

I can put a load in the washing machine without it following me.

I like my cigars like I like my women: 7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba.

Ok, not really racist but still funny.