Crime jokes
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer:
The man said, "He's going to rape the people on the side of the road."
What’s the difference between a thief and a pervert?
One will snatch your watch, the other will watch your snatch.
Are you suicidal? Remember, if you ever feel unwanted, just check to see your warrants.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I know a pedophile,
And he says he knows you.
What's the difference between life and a rape joke?
Life fucks you until you stop breathing, a rape joke fucks you until it's not funny anymore.
What's a paedophile's favorite footwear?
White Vans.
Me: brags about my 30 kill streak.
The jury: O.o
How do you make an eight-year-old girl cry twice?
Wipe your bloody cock off on her favorite teddy bear after you’ve raped her.
About to go on a date.
But she was late.
So I got some tape.
And eventually punished her with rape.
How many times does 47 fit into 9?
Get in the van and find out.
Jeffrey Dahmer was craving 5 Guys before it was a restaurant.
What do you call a deaf and blind axe murderer?
Helen Killer.
ICE and ISIS have similar first syllables. Coincidence? I think not!
So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.
Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?
He fingered A minor (get it, like the chord A minor)?
What does a sex offender that is a lesbian have in common with a sex offender that is a feminist?
They only performed cunnilingus on girls under 18 years old.
I am crying tears of joy rn. I was wrongfully sentenced to death. They took me to prison to wait for my execution, but when I got there, they said that I was free. I asked them why and they told me that a man named Penaldo had taken my death penalty for me. Thank you, Penaldo!
What was Osama bin Laden's favorite drink?
A double Manhattan.
Why was the egg runny? Because he'd just had sex with Jimmy Saville.
A man is pulled over by a police officer.
The policeman approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem, Officer?"
The officer says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."
The officer is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The officer says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?!"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see."
The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his own car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle, please?"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?"
The man opens the trunk, but there is nothing there.
The officer says, "Is this your car, sir?"
The man says, "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.
"One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs through his pockets, pulls out a wallet, and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
"Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"