Crime jokes

what do you call a drunken sailer?

arrested.

Why do pedophiles go to a nursery?

Early access.

What do you call being run over by Michael Jackson?

Being hit by... Being struck by... A smooth criminal.

What's the difference between what Bill Cosby did and what OJ Simpson did? OJ Simpson's victims actually suffered and I actually feel bad for them (the boyfriend at least).

Kobe would still be alive if he would have gone to jail for raping that girl.

Do you know why pedos get away with molesting orphans? Who are they gonna tell? Not their parents.

joe: Are your mom and dad nice?

zozo: Well, they were until I murdered them over a bottle of Pringles.

joe: Oh, so you are an orphan and a murderer.

There was a boy named Sammy, and he was deeply in love with a girl named Rayne. But she didn’t notice him or talk to him. But one day, she did, and they end up liking each other and getting married and lived happil- wait no, that’s not right. Sammy snuck in Rayne’s house at night and kidnapped her, locked her in his basement, and turned her into a puppet so she'd be with him forever and ever. The End.

Things you never want to do in jail:

- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.

What do you call a murderer with two butts? An assassin.

What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic priest?

One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

Did you hear that Michael Jackson once got food poisoning?

He ate 12-year-old nuts.

Why do orphans kill people so they can finally be wanted?

I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.

Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"

Spiderman: "Yes."

Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."

Spiderman: "Why?"

Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."

How is a child molester and Harambe the same? They both get shot for touching little kids.

What did Trump say to Epstein? "I like my tea like I like my teens: warm, sweet, and freshly made."

As a murderer, I stabbed a man after infiltrating his house. His wife came in and saw me. She fell into tears. I got up and said, "Drama queen!"

There was a little kid crying in the park today. I asked him where his parents were. Now I realize, man, I love my job.

What do you call terrorists in a wheelchair?

An RCXD.