Crime jokes
Teacher: What comes after C?
Me: Ooh! Ooh! C4!
Teacher: Umm, ok... but still what comes after A?
Me: AK47!!!
Teacher thought: Oh hell na.
Teacher: What comes after X?
Me: Xplosin.
1 second later, bomb goes off. Idk.
Most people call it grave robbing...
I prefer to call it cryptocurrency.
My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"
Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!
There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.
How did the rape victim on a diet lose 21 grams?
She died.
"He scratched his face up, detective. That did it."
"Did I do that?"
Two guys are captured by native Chinese. They give them two choices: 1. Death. 2. 他妈的
The first guy: What's 他妈的?
The Chinese: Fucking.
The first guy chooses death.
Second guy to himself: Well, I'll let these sick fucks fuck me. At least I'll be alive...
The Chinese: Come on, we don't have all day.
Second guy: I choose 他妈的.
The Chinese: Ok, 他妈的 to the death!
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash its crack and sell it again.
If someone has a gun and tries to shoot you, just say, “Hipity hoppity, that gun is my property.”
Why did the baseball player go to jail?
Because he stole first base.
What did Jeff Dahmer say to the gays? Get over here and let me give you so much anal to where you die, DADDY! UWU!
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
A news headline read: "A toddler has shot a person every week in the US for two years straight."
He was in the infantry.
I always use chloroform when stealing a child.
Today my ex got hit by a bus.
I also lost my job as a bus driver.
What happens when you find a bomb at your local bazaar?
It becomes a flee market.
"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.
“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.
One man walks up to another and says, "Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at Main Street?" The guy says, "No." The other guy says, "Oh, he woke up."
My life #freemymanrkelly
There's a new game in the arcade where kids can hit raging paedophiles with a mallet: Whack-A-Jack, oh!