Why did the orphan commit crimes? To know what it's like to be wanted.
Q: Why did the cat get arrested?
A: He was caught littering.
A policeman walks up to a van with two priests and says, "We're looking for two child molesters."
The priests both look at each other for a moment and then say, "Okay, we'll do it."
What does Johnny Depp hate about driving a car?
He can't drink and drive.
What is the difference between the government and organized crime?
Only one of them is organized.
Why is prostitution illegal?
Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them.
A child and a child molester walk into a forest together. The child turns to the molester and says, "Boy, these woods are scary." The molester says to the child, "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone."
What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
Two priests walk into a store, and cops come up to them and say they’re looking for a child molester, and the priests both say, "I’ll do it!"
Some people think prison is one word, but to criminals, it’s a whole sentence.
What do you call a movie at Bill Cosby’s house?
Netflix and pill.
What did the bee say after the execution? "The criminal has been beeheaded!"
What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic priest?
One goes limp when a child walks in the room.
Did you hear that Michael Jackson once got food poisoning?
He ate 12-year-old nuts.
Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"
Spiderman: "Yes."
Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."
Spiderman: "Why?"
Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."
How is a child molester and Harambe the same? They both get shot for touching little kids.
I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.
There was a little kid crying in the park today. I asked him where his parents were. Now I realize, man, I love my job.
What do you call terrorists in a wheelchair?
An RCXD.
Q: What did Chris Brown say when he first saw Rhianna?
A: I'd hit that.
