Crime jokes

Got kidnapped in Iran. Luckily, I ran.

There was a school fire. I pushed the wheelchair kid into the fire and said, "Hot wheels!"

Bowser ordered his Goomba guards to arrest me because I wrote graffiti on the walls saying "The Koopalings are evil!" "Kill the Koopalings!" and "Down with the Koopalings!"

I lost my driver's license today. I hit my ex with my car.

My son always said he wanted to skydive, so we went on a plane, and mid-flight, we had to jump out. The only issue is we were on a commercial flight to Arizona.

I bought drugs today.

"Stupidity isn’t a crime, so you’re free to go."

God, those orphans were putting up such a fight, I had to lock 'em in the basement.

What's Michael Jackson got in common with Santa?

They both empty their sacks around children.

Did you hear what happened to Lorainna Bobbit? She was in an accident on the Garden State Parkway. She told the State Police Officer, "That some dick cut her off."

What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both come while you’re asleep.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I know he LCD'd them and all, but I have been tripping all day.

How many gangsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

35! Do you have a problem with that?

If she refuses to suck and threatens to bite, just knock her teeth out. Call it the “Bloody Gummer”.

What do you call a swimming terrorist? A bath bomb.

Who’s more excited than a kid on his birthday?

Jimmy Savile in a primary school playground.

Who is Bill Cosby’s favorite Disney princess?

Sleeping Beauty.

Maybe the reason there isn't any physical evidence is because it didn't happen.

Why did the Mafia cross the road?

Forget about it...

Mary had a lamb. Her fleece was black as coal. When I tried to touch it that night, next day I went to court.