Crime jokes

The USA has school shootings. We Canadians have bus beheadings.

Q: What do hookers and kittens have in common?

A: They both get dumped on deserted back roads.

Vince Li doesn't eat comedians. He says they taste funny.

Q. What do you get when you cross Vince Li with a bus? A. A whole lot of people who wished they'd missed the bus that day.

If a woman named Susan gets murdered, is it considered a Sue-icide?

I wasn't gonna tell another Epstein joke but I didn't want to leave anyone hanging.

What do you call a Japanese car thief?

Tommy took a motor.

A man comes to an assassin who charges $1000 per shot. He tells the assassin, "My wife's been cheating on me. I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot the guy in the dick." When they arrive, they wait. The man asks why he hasn't taken the shot. The assassin says, "I know how I can save you $1000."

How do you rape a girl?

By doing a tornado kick to your head since you stupid kids like rape jokes!

Why did Arnold throw his clock out of the window?

It reminded him of Richard Clocks, a man convicted for knife raping his wife.

What did Saskia say to Brandon?

Saskia: "Can you rape me like you did Sydney?"

My dad raped my mom, now I have a brother.

So you wanna play like that, ayy? Well, Sydney didn't wanna play like that either, and that's why you got arrested.

Two boys were playing cards on a picnic table outside the school. Both of the boys had revolvers hidden in their waistband.

Now, one of the boys was a notorious cheater, who liked to hide his cards in his waistband. Recess was just about to end, when all the kids heard a loud bang erupt from the picnic table. In tears, the card player admitted that he had shot the other card player, stating "I played a King, and he started reaching for his waistband!"

What’s the difference between Jesus and the toddler in my basement?

Jesus died a virgin.

What do Michael Jackson and ACN have in common? They both go in little kids.

Don't say you want to eat out a five-year-old's pussy, because I have already shoved a glass dildo in her tight ass pussy, UwU.

These girls were bullying a kid. I asked if they were raping him. They stopped.

I was digging in my garden when I found a treasure chest full of gold. I was about to run inside and tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

I never understood school shooting jokes.

I guess they were aimed at younger audiences.