Crime jokes

A man comes to an assassin who charges $1000 per shot. He tells the assassin, "My wife's been cheating on me. I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot the guy in the dick." When they arrive, they wait. The man asks why he hasn't taken the shot. The assassin says, "I know how I can save you $1000."

Why did Arnold throw his clock out of the window?

It reminded him of Richard Clocks, a man convicted for knife raping his wife.

What did Saskia say to Brandon?

Saskia: "Can you rape me like you did Sydney?"

My dad raped my mom, now I have a brother.

I saw a man trying to rape a dog. I decided to help. The dog can't stand a chance against the both of us.

So you wanna play like that, ayy? Well, Sydney didn't wanna play like that either, and that's why you got arrested.

Two boys were playing cards on a picnic table outside the school. Both of the boys had revolvers hidden in their waistband.

Now, one of the boys was a notorious cheater, who liked to hide his cards in his waistband. Recess was just about to end, when all the kids heard a loud bang erupt from the picnic table. In tears, the card player admitted that he had shot the other card player, stating "I played a King, and he started reaching for his waistband!"

What’s the difference between Jesus and the toddler in my basement?

Jesus died a virgin.

What do Michael Jackson and ACN have in common? They both go in little kids.

These girls were bullying a kid. I asked if they were raping him. They stopped.

Don't say you want to eat out a five-year-old's pussy, because I have already shoved a glass dildo in her tight ass pussy, UwU.

How do you rape a girl?

By doing a tornado kick to your head since you stupid kids like rape jokes!

I asked someone why they were crying. They told me that they had to abort their twins.

Then someone yelled "DAMN DOUBLE HOMICIDE!"

What weighs 70 pounds and doesn't like sex?

The 6-year-old in the trunk of my car.

Why did the cops come over?

Because parents had kids in their basement.

What do you call a Muslim in America being pursued by a perv?

Alien vs. Predator.

I never understood school shooting jokes.

I guess they were aimed at younger audiences.

I was digging in my garden when I found a treasure chest full of gold. I was about to run inside and tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

What do the Twin Towers and murder victims have in common?

Both were owned by their own kind.

Why did Sally die? She got stabbed by her mum.