Crime jokes

If the shoe doesn't fit, there's no evidence.

Police: Hey man, look at this! *throws cocaine at fan and it flew back into his face* Me: Are you okay? Police: Looks like I "crack"ed the case.

How did black people learn to steal sports cars?

By playing GTA nonstop.

What is the difference between a thief and a doctor?

The thief knows what you have!

Yo mama is so ugly that even scammers wouldn't go after her money.

What is the legal term for shoplifting?

10 fingers discount.

What is Epstein's favorite piano chord?

A minor.

What's a pedophile's favorite fast food meal?

In-N-Out of kids.

A man comes to an assassin who charges $1000 per shot. He tells the assassin, "My wife's been cheating on me. I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot the guy in the dick." When they arrive, they wait. The man asks why he hasn't taken the shot. The assassin says, "I know how I can save you $1000."

How do you rape a girl?

By doing a tornado kick to your head since you stupid kids like rape jokes!

Why did Arnold throw his clock out of the window?

It reminded him of Richard Clocks, a man convicted for knife raping his wife.

What did Saskia say to Brandon?

Saskia: "Can you rape me like you did Sydney?"

My dad raped my mom, now I have a brother.

So you wanna play like that, ayy? Well, Sydney didn't wanna play like that either, and that's why you got arrested.

Two boys were playing cards on a picnic table outside the school. Both of the boys had revolvers hidden in their waistband.

Now, one of the boys was a notorious cheater, who liked to hide his cards in his waistband. Recess was just about to end, when all the kids heard a loud bang erupt from the picnic table. In tears, the card player admitted that he had shot the other card player, stating "I played a King, and he started reaching for his waistband!"

What’s the difference between Jesus and the toddler in my basement?

Jesus died a virgin.

What do Michael Jackson and ACN have in common? They both go in little kids.

Don't say you want to eat out a five-year-old's pussy, because I have already shoved a glass dildo in her tight ass pussy, UwU.

These girls were bullying a kid. I asked if they were raping him. They stopped.

I asked someone why they were crying. They told me that they had to abort their twins.

Then someone yelled "DAMN DOUBLE HOMICIDE!"