Crime jokes

One day I was walking along the street and I found some caution tape... Just sitting there torn up... Beat up, and you could barely unravel it anymore because I would just burst into shreds... It kinda reminded me of what happened to my sister's killer... They still haven’t found him yet... I’m really good at hide and seek!

What's the difference between a zit and a Catholic priest?

A zit will wait 'til 12 before it cums on your face.

Alvin and the Chipmunks commit war crimes.

People can say whatever they want about pedophiles. At least they are pursuing their dreams.

In a white van.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.

A man had 10 dead and bloody babies in the middle of his living room. The police suddenly knocked on his door. What is the hardest thing to hide?

- A boner.

So... here's da scoop, alright... *licks KFC off lips* so, I was caught having sex wit three 6 year olds (girls btw, just in case you guys get mad) and da judge told me I was getting da death penalty, you know what I mean?

I had a last resort to save myself though, you feel me? So I told da judge, I said to him, I said: "Yo honah, 6 + 6 + 6 = 18, you smell me?"

Needless to say, I was announced a fre-e-e-e-e-e-e man after dat, you feel me?

But then, the Predator Poachers nigckas just barged into the courtroom and they said: 4 + 4 + 5 = 13!

Alas, I'm writing this joke from jail, and judging by the look my prisonmate Tyrone is giving me, I'll be writing jokes from hell from now on.

Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7 was a unregistered six offender.

What’s the best part about fucking a dead bitch?

You don’t need consent.

Name one person who would take an orphan?

Michael Jackson, so they can play all night.

Why can't orphans get five stars in GTA?

Because they're not wanted.

I must have raped a woman in a skip. She said she felt rubbish.

What's blue, red, and white and dead all over?

Trump's dead Russian mates.

A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand sanitiser.

The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand sanitiser anymore!

I am the ice cream man running over fat kids with my van. If you touch my van, I’ll smack you in the face with a frying pan. If you steal ice cream, I’ll shoot you in the face with a fudge machine.

Ol' Mate Shane Warne has sadly passed away. He was probably Australia's Greatest Ever Cricketer. RIP Ol' Mate Warney, died doing what you loved, having gay sex with men and doing cocaine! 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Like if you RIP Shane Warne 🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺

I was taking a walk near the prison when I saw a good looking guy climbing down the fence, and when he noticed me, he gave me a sneer! It was pretty condescending.

I did 9/11 here's proof https://youtu.be/BVH73TonuG8

Sonic says... April 1st is the best day to do a school shooting. They will think it’s a joke! 😃

Schools in the hood are kind of the same thing. I always seem to get shot.