Crime jokes

Alvin and the Chipmunks commit war crimes.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.

People can say whatever they want about pedophiles. At least they are pursuing their dreams.

In a white van.

A man had 10 dead and bloody babies in the middle of his living room. The police suddenly knocked on his door. What is the hardest thing to hide?

- A boner.

So... here's da scoop, alright... *licks KFC off lips* so, I was caught having sex wit three 6 year olds (girls btw, just in case you guys get mad) and da judge told me I was getting da death penalty, you know what I mean?

I had a last resort to save myself though, you feel me? So I told da judge, I said to him, I said: "Yo honah, 6 + 6 + 6 = 18, you smell me?"

Needless to say, I was announced a fre-e-e-e-e-e-e man after dat, you feel me?

But then, the Predator Poachers nigckas just barged into the courtroom and they said: 4 + 4 + 5 = 13!

Alas, I'm writing this joke from jail, and judging by the look my prisonmate Tyrone is giving me, I'll be writing jokes from hell from now on.

Name one person who would take an orphan?

Michael Jackson, so they can play all night.

Why can't orphans get five stars in GTA?

Because they're not wanted.

I am the ice cream man running over fat kids with my van. If you touch my van, I’ll smack you in the face with a frying pan. If you steal ice cream, I’ll shoot you in the face with a fudge machine.

Ol' Mate Shane Warne has sadly passed away. He was probably Australia's Greatest Ever Cricketer. RIP Ol' Mate Warney, died doing what you loved, having gay sex with men and doing cocaine! 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Like if you RIP Shane Warne 🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺

A man in Saudi Arabia was caught stealing hand sanitiser.

The silver lining for him is that he will not need hand sanitiser anymore!

I must have raped a woman in a skip. She said she felt rubbish.

What's blue, red, and white and dead all over?

Trump's dead Russian mates.

Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7 was a unregistered six offender.

Sonic says... April 1st is the best day to do a school shooting. They will think it’s a joke! 😃

Schools in the hood are kind of the same thing. I always seem to get shot.

Why do orphans play GTA?

To make them feel wanted.

If someone has a gun and tries to shoot you, just say, “Hipity hoppity, that gun is my property.”

You and me went up to stab your father. He was out, do not pout. They are coming after.

Why was the kid not able to cross the hallway?

Answer: The school shooter already shot him in the middle of the hallway.

What do you call a nut in jail?

A busted nut.