Crime jokes

Name one person who would take an orphan?

Michael Jackson, so they can play all night.

Ol' Mate Shane Warne has sadly passed away. He was probably Australia's Greatest Ever Cricketer. RIP Ol' Mate Warney, died doing what you loved, having gay sex with men and doing cocaine! 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Like if you RIP Shane Warne 🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺

The very young and pretty nun was walking home from the soup kitchen when a homeless man dragged her into the woods and had his way with her.

When he was done, he asked her what she would tell the Mother Superior when she got back to the convent. She calmly said that she would tell her the truth.

She said: "I will tell her that I was on my way home when the most disgusting, repulsive, and abhorrent man dragged me into the woods and had his way with me... twice; that is if you are not too tired."

So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”

What does the pedophile use for bait? Trix!

What's the best thing about 20-1 year olds... there's 20.

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pedophile? There isn't a difference.

Space therapist in between the e and the r.

The rapists!

How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

More than 9 because my basement's still dark.

What kind of file do you need to turn a 15 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A pedophile.

The kid with a gun walked into my classroom and fucking shot the teacher.

He pointed the gun at me and asked, "What's 2+2?" I answer him and he writes the answer down on his test. He did this with every kid. He got a 100%, expelled, and a lifetime in prison. Hey, at least he gets free food.

Lynching is just another word for "hanging around."

What can you do if you can't bear sharing the same blood as your father who raped you?

Have a blood transfusion.

Why can't orphans be robbers?

Because they're not wanted.

I had sex with twins. Well, I think it was twins. All my rage victims look alike.

What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws?

Outlaws are wanted :)

When you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen. When you turn 16, you get a DM from Prince Andrew.

What Football Club does Mason Greenwood play for?

Prison FC

The pastor jumped at the chance to meet Ariana the other day.

He also grabbed, fondled, and fingered. Some might say he was milking the situation.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Don’t worry, he woke up.

In my basement.