Crime jokes
What do Israel and Epstein have in common?
"Look at that, time to blow up some kids."
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
What's the difference between Pink Floyd and George Floyd?
When Pink Floyd can't breathe, it's because all their fans are smoking pot.
Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:
Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.
I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.
He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.
Memes
What did Bill Cosby say on the second date?
"Hi, nice to meet you."
What do you do to a deaf girl after you’re done fucking her?
Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.
What do you call a Chinese assassin?
Chinese takeout.
"Officer, I drop kicked that child in self-defense." -Techno
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a good body these days?
I think Jeffrey Dahmer had the right idea, just put it in the freezer.
I found Jeffrey Epstein’s diary the other day.
The last entry was about 12 years old.
How many times does 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out!
Q. What's the difference between a baby and a bale of straw?
A. I got arrested last time I speared a baby with a pitchfork.
Two whores are watching the sun come up, splitting a bottle of Mad Dog and celebrating another night of servicing the general public. One asks the other: "Say. You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
Her friend thinks it over, "No...but I have been swung around by the tits a few times!"
I'm required by law to tell you I am a registered sex offender.
People should've recognized that Jared Fogle was a sick offender by one coded Subway sandwich; he normally claimed to kids he ate the sweet onion chicken teriyaki when it was the tuna sub.
Tuna sub was the message of the target to the kid since "tuna sub" put together makes "tunasub" and the truth comes when you spell it in reverse ("busanut")!
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they beat the room for being dark, then arrest the room for being broke.
Q: What's the difference between me and a priest? A: A priest isn't turned on by dead children.
What does an armed bank robbery and Michael Jackson have in common?
Someone gets hurt.
Person 1: How many people has Michael Jackson fingered?
Person 2: Dunno, what’s the minor population?