Crime jokes
You get on an elevator and you find the Pope and Donald Trump cowering from two snarling wolves. In your hand you find a revolver with only two bullets in it... what do you do?
You shoot the Pope and the Donald each in a leg and exit the elevator at the next stop.
What do you call a swimming terrorist? A bath bomb.
Why doesn't the pirate go to the strip club?
Because he has ALL of the booty!
If I were to cut your legs off, would it hurt? Because your legs will be cut off...
Why do orphans play GTA 5?
To get wanted!
Hit 'em with the 1, 2, Jeffery Dahmer!
There are times I miss you, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
An action hero stops a man running by throwing a tire at him.
What is his one liner? "I told you to stop running or you will get tired."
When you donate a kidney, you are a total hero, everyone loves you.
When you donate five kidneys though, people start yelling, the police gets called--sheesh!
I had a boyfriend once. He broke up with me because he "wanted to be more alive." I guess it didn't work when he went to my basement.
What do Israel and Epstein have in common?
"Look at that, time to blow up some kids."
What's the difference between babies and onions?
You don't cry cutting up babies.
Male Patient: So, I just pull my pants down and bend over for this prostate exam?
Doctor: Yep.
Male Patient: Ok, I'm ready. Hey! That doesn't feel like a finger.
Doctor: Yep, and I'm not even a doctor.
What did the Japanese man say to his friend after he killed somebody?
"That is very Wong."
Don’t be racist. Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.
Two whores are watching the sun come up, splitting a bottle of Mad Dog and celebrating another night of servicing the general public. One asks the other: "Say. You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
Her friend thinks it over, "No...but I have been swung around by the tits a few times!"
I'm required by law to tell you I am a registered sex offender.
People should've recognized that Jared Fogle was a sick offender by one coded Subway sandwich; he normally claimed to kids he ate the sweet onion chicken teriyaki when it was the tuna sub.
Tuna sub was the message of the target to the kid since "tuna sub" put together makes "tunasub" and the truth comes when you spell it in reverse ("busanut")!
Q: What's the difference between me and a priest? A: A priest isn't turned on by dead children.