Crime jokes
The man was Indian. He moved to England because he wanted to learn, so got a job at the store. He learned how to say "register," then he was a business man. He learned how to say "59887," then "restaurant," so he learned how to say "fork and knives." So a man came with a knife. The cop came and asked the man which was the killer who killed him. He said, "Him," and pointed to the Indian man. The cop asked, "What did you use?" He said, "Register." The cop asked for ID. "59887." The cop asked, "Anything on you, forks and knife?" He said, "Me me me."
What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone, it gets fired.
What did Julius say when he saw a woman stealing an expensive chandelier? “Guards! Seize her (Caesar)!”
Wanna hear a joke?
Rape.
Michael Jackson was once a guitar teacher, but he got fired because he fingered a minor.
What do you call a pedophile who's dying? You.
What happens when a battery commits a crime? They get charged!
I like my dates like I like my wine...
Locked in a cellar and aged for 12 years.
Why are Indians such good actors?
Most of them are phone scammers.
What do you call an alligator detective??
An investi-gator.
"Sweet victory" fans: Fuck the NFL. They should be disbanded!
Harvey Weinstein: I raped five girls, and the NFL was one of them.
How can you tell the difference between a Christian priest and a zit?
One waits until you're twelve to come on your face.
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.
Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.
Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker?
They say he had locomotives.
The real dead hooker joke is on all of us from the Fraser Valley in BC. You know damn well each and everyone of us ate that Pickton hooker pork. Considering it stretching from the 80's-2000's, pretty sure he got 4 generations of Valley folk with that Pickton pork.
Banker: I have the right to take your money!
Me: Check my name.
Banker: Robin D. Bank, why?
Banker: *realizes*
Me: 😈🖐️ Gimme, gimme.
How do you make an 8 year old girl cry twice?
Wipe your bloody cock off on her favorite teddy bear.
Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!
A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.
What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.
What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.
Pope Francis: "What is the hardest thing about nailing a young boy to a cross?"
"My penis."
What do you call a black man with a gun? A gangsta.