Crime jokes
What's the difference between babies and onions?
You don't cry cutting up babies.
So, as a school shooter, I try to remember my ABC's. A, B, C, D, E, F, GUN!
And I basically stop at G, since no students ever speak to me about the rest.
I don't call it arson. I call it warming up.
Terrorist: We can go over it, we can’t go under it, let’s go through it.
Someone locked me out of my house today... At least the children in my basement aren't my problem anymore.
What does the woman say to the cannibal at the fashion show?
"Who are you wearing?"
There's this smart way to sneak a calculator into school. I've heard of it. You take the calculator, put it in a gun magazine, put the magazine in the gun, and bring the gun to school!
Why did the chiropractor go to jail? For not paying $75 in back taxes.
If I were to cut your legs off, would it hurt? Because your legs will be cut off...
What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Batman?
Batman returns.
My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.
He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."
What is a paedo's favourite time of year?
Halloween because they get free delivery.
Why can orphans get away from the FBI?
Because they don't have a house.
What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?
An RC-XD.
What do you call a swimming terrorist? A bath bomb.
Why doesn't the pirate go to the strip club?
Because he has ALL of the booty!
Hit 'em with the 1, 2, Jeffery Dahmer!
There are times I miss you, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.
Why do orphans play GTA 5?
To get wanted!
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.