Crime jokes
"This morning, I came out my front door to see my neighbor frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray-painted on his front window."
"What's been going on, John?" I asked.
"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.
The dirty bastard!
Someone locked me out of my house today... At least the children in my basement aren't my problem anymore.
A man shot into a crowd at the train station and didn't hit one person. When the police asked why he missed, someone said, "'Cause he gay."
He couldn't shoot straight.
What did the teacher say when he raped his naughty student?
"Face the wall!"
What do pedophiles call children in wheelchairs?
"Meals on Wheels."
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.
There was an illegal alien woman who wanted to be called "undocumented." So, I had "undocumented" sex with her and threatened to have her deported if she reported me for rape. I'd call it even.
I heard guns kill people, so I gave up my right to own one.
Then I heard dicks rape people, so I chopped it off.
What is the difference between the subway guy and a priest?
The subway guy didn’t get away with it...
I am the ice cream man running over fat kids with my van. If you touch my van, I’ll smack you in the face with a frying pan. If you steal ice cream, I’ll shoot you in the face with a fudge machine.
Have you heard about the guy whose friends teased him because he pays for sex? He doesn't pay anymore.
I awoke after being raped and was shocked to find my fingers were broken. It was hard to grasp.
Everybody loves guns!
Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.
I bought a silencer for my gun, but I don't think it works.
My victims still scream.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Did you hear they think Michael Jackson died from food poisoning? He ate 12-year-old nuts and a 13-year-old wiener.
Yo mama so stupid, she told the police a kid raped her.
Stranger: Tries to kidnap a kid.
Kid: Runs home.
A few minutes later, the kid was in the back of the van...
If you know, you know.
These girls were bullying a kid. I asked if they were raping him. They stopped.
It's impossible to rape a rapeist because rapeists want sex.