Crime jokes

What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and a pedophile? Alien vs Predator.

Why do pedophiles never cum first?

Because they like to cum in a little behind.

What is a school shooter's favorite animal?

A Desert Eagle.

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."

The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

Why was the egg runny?

Because he'd just had sex with Jimmy Saville.

Most people smother babies with love.

I smother them with pillows.

I knew this one guy who liked to swim with the fishes, then the mob got a hold of 'em...

What do you take care of after a car crash?

The witnesses.

So, I was f**king my daughter the other night, and I don’t know what was funnier: the looks on my wife’s face when she walked in on me or the fact that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?

What do you call a dwarf with ESP that escaped a prison?

A small medium at large.

What’s the only victimless crime you can commit? Murder, cause there’s a victim less!

I learned that a strangler was targeting me.

All I could think was, "You’ve got to be choking me!"

What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.

What's the first thing that a battered woman does when she gets out of the shelter?

My last if she knows what's good for her.

So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"

I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said, “Well, that’s a little condescending.”

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"

The FBI said, "Open up!" I shout to them.

A person said, "Cookie sale." I opened up. He fucked me.

What’s the difference between 911 and an abortion?

With 911 there was a victim to tell the tale.