Crime jokes
What did Saskia say to Brandon?
Saskia: "Can you rape me like you did Sydney?"
Once, there was a Minecraft child molester on the Minecraft Facebook. He asks a kid his age. The kid blocks him.
That was a horrible pun. You should be sent to the PUN-itentiary!
What is the difference between a washing machine and a hooker?
I can put a load in the washing machine without it following me.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were out on a hike. They had been going all day, so they decided to make camp and stay for the night. They both woke up at 3 A.M.
Holmes said, "Look up, Watson, what can you see?"
"Judging from the position of the stars, it looks like it's about 3 A.M."
"What else, Watson?"
"It looks like it will be a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What Else, Watson?"
"What am I supposed to see, Holmes?"
"Elementary my dear Watson, someone stole our tent!"
Man in boxers leads policeman on brief chase.
A panda walks into a bar. He asked the bartender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him, then leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, “Why’d you do it?” The panda replied, “It’s what pandas do, look it up.” So they did, they went on Wikipedia, and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.
What happens when you have a kid with Tourette's and a hair trigger?
The Las Vegas shooting.
What kind of file turns a 5mm hole into a 3cm hole?
A pedo-file.
A man broke into Stevie Wonder's house and threatened to kill his wife.
He just turned a blind eye.
Where's a cannibal's favorite place to eat?
Chili's, because they got them baby back ribs.
What do you call a convict in prison for touching little girls? A boy named Brandon.
So you wanna play like that, ayy? Well, Sydney didn't wanna play like that either, and that's why you got arrested.
A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say, "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" After that he joined the Army and learned to say, "Yes sir!" After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say, "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words, "Goody-goody gumdrops!"
A few weeks later, there was a murder in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows:
Policeman: "Who killed the man?" Foreign man: "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" Policeman: "Did you kill the man?" Foreign man: "Yes sir!" Policeman: "What did you use to kill him?" Foreign man: "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" Policeman: "You're under arrest." Foreign man: "Goody-goody gumdrops!"
What do you say to a pedophile at the beach?
Get out of my son!
What is a pedophile's favorite dating site?
Kinder
What mental illness do terrorists suffer from?
Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED).
Pedophile: You dropped your candy.
Girl: Thanks!
Pedophile stares as she slowly bends over to pick up her candy.
Pedophile: It looks a bit dirty, do you wanna come back to my house and get a new one?
Girl: How far is your house?
Pedophile: It's that white one right over there.
Girl: You mean that van next to a dumpster?
Pedophile: Yep, it's that one.
Girl:.... Sure! :P
Audience:.........Dumbass girl.
How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
More than 9 because my basement's still dark.
So you know how sheets are always so tight at hotels?
Well I looked under the bed and there is a freaking room cleaner holding the sheets. All he says is "Don't ask or you shall die!"