Crime jokes
A panda walks into a bar. He asked the bartender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him, then leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, “Why’d you do it?” The panda replied, “It’s what pandas do, look it up.” So they did, they went on Wikipedia, and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.
What happens when you have a kid with Tourette's and a hair trigger?
The Las Vegas shooting.
What kind of file turns a 5mm hole into a 3cm hole?
A pedo-file.
A man broke into Stevie Wonder's house and threatened to kill his wife.
He just turned a blind eye.
Where's a cannibal's favorite place to eat?
Chili's, because they got them baby back ribs.
What do you call a convict in prison for touching little girls? A boy named Brandon.
So you wanna play like that, ayy? Well, Sydney didn't wanna play like that either, and that's why you got arrested.
A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say, "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" After that he joined the Army and learned to say, "Yes sir!" After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say, "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words, "Goody-goody gumdrops!"
A few weeks later, there was a murder in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows:
Policeman: "Who killed the man?" Foreign man: "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" Policeman: "Did you kill the man?" Foreign man: "Yes sir!" Policeman: "What did you use to kill him?" Foreign man: "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" Policeman: "You're under arrest." Foreign man: "Goody-goody gumdrops!"
What do you say to a pedophile at the beach?
Get out of my son!
What is a pedophile's favorite dating site?
Kinder
What mental illness do terrorists suffer from?
Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED).
Pedophile: You dropped your candy.
Girl: Thanks!
Pedophile stares as she slowly bends over to pick up her candy.
Pedophile: It looks a bit dirty, do you wanna come back to my house and get a new one?
Girl: How far is your house?
Pedophile: It's that white one right over there.
Girl: You mean that van next to a dumpster?
Pedophile: Yep, it's that one.
Girl:.... Sure! :P
Audience:.........Dumbass girl.
How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb?
More than 9 because my basement's still dark.
So you know how sheets are always so tight at hotels?
Well I looked under the bed and there is a freaking room cleaner holding the sheets. All he says is "Don't ask or you shall die!"
I tried to stick to One Direction, but then they started to shoot the gay bar...
Why did the strawberry cry?
Her mom was in a jam.
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Must be more than 9 because my basement is still dark.
A woman ran into a police station screaming, "Help, I have been graped!" The policeman said, "Do you mean raped?" The woman said, "No, there was a bunch of them!"
How do we know the Ancient Egyptians were into organized crime?
They were always using pyramid schemes!
How do you keep a mute woman you've raped from telling on you?
By cutting off her fingers.