Crime Jokes

I learned that a strangler was targeting me.

All I could think was, "You’ve got to be choking me!"

What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.

What's the first thing that a battered woman does when she gets out of the shelter?

My last if she knows what's good for her.

So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"

I was walking by a prison when I saw a midget in an orange jumpsuit climbing down the fence. When he hit the ground and sneered at me, I said, “Well, that’s a little condescending.”

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"

The FBI said, "Open up!" I shout to them.

A person said, "Cookie sale." I opened up. He fucked me.

What’s the difference between 911 and an abortion?

With 911 there was a victim to tell the tale.

I was once caught doing it with a 16 year old in my bedroom. Boy, was my wife mad. She yelled "HOW CAN YOU F*** OUR DAUGHTER?!". Haha, yeah, she was mad.

Anyways, that's why your mother and I are getting a divorce, Timmy.

If an illegal immigrant fights against a child molester, would that be "Alien vs Predator"?

When you steal the weird pet rock, so he pulls out his pet Glock.

What do you call it when you get away with masturbating in the shower?

You got off clean.

My favorite thing to do in my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.

Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!

What's the difference between 13 dead babies and a skeleton?

There aren't any, there's 13 skeletons in my closet.

Murder is the same as suicide, except the other person is doing it for you.

I like my women like I like my wine.

Twelve years old and tied up in my basement.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

How many times does 47 fit into 9?

Get in the van and find out.

One night I was sitting on my bed in my room, minding my own business. It was pretty late, around 10 PM. The glow of my laptop screen was the only light in the room. I heard a noise coming from behind me. It sounded like the door was opening, but there was no one else in the house.

I turned around and found Mr. Incredible standing in my doorway, a stern look on his face. He walked over to me, slowly and dramatically. Then he leaned over and pointed his finger at my face, only about two inches away now. I was frozen with my back against the wall. Then, Mr. Incredible said something I would never forget: "Stop pirating video games."

Ever since that day, I have never gone on a pirating website and have paid legally for my video games. True story.