Crime jokes
Murder: Wanna play a game?
Me: Ok (pulls out Xbox controller)
What's a pedophile's favorite type of shoe?
White Vans.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"
What’s the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne waits till you’re 13 to come on your face.
Me: (pointing up in the air) "Everybody listen up, this is a robbery!"
Girl: "Dude, this is a library."
Me: "Oh." (screwing on a silencer)
So I got these new shoes, except they were from a drug dealer.
Now I don't know what they were laced with, but I was trippin' all day.
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven is a registered six offender.
A man shoots up a school and then fakes his own death. He then later returns to shoot up the same school. He repeats the process a few times until the police catch him. When they ask why he did it, he replied, "I wondered when you would check if I was still breathing."
I saw a man trying to rape a girl. I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against both of us.
What is more dangerous than Russian gangs?
Russian malls.
Why did Arnold throw his clock out of the window?
It reminded him of Richard Clocks, a man convicted for knife raping his wife.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
Brian was shopping at a mall. He hopped onto an escalator. Next to him were two people having an argument. Eventually, one of them pulled out a pocket knife threatening to stab the other. Brian murmured "Well, that escalated quickly..."
A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat. He is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with, "What do you mean? I already did it." Then the police ran back to the school to apprehend the other people he was planning it with. The cops busted in through the doors, which caused a smoke trap to go off, which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear, the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles, 4 per pole. Back at the station, holding the kid being apprehended, the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said, "Aww, it pays to be lazy!"
Kid starts short-coming people in school. Teacher asks, "Why are you doing that?"
He responds, "I wanted to paint the walls red for Christmas!"
What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most?
The “cold and passed out” kind.
If you're ever bored, just rape an orphan! What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
What makes suicide illegal?
Getting caught.
Jasper likes little girls and Bin Laden.