Crime jokes

What do the mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

Johnny had 55 pineapples. He threw three at his friend. How many does he have now?

None, because he was pistol whipped then shot at point blank range with a sawed off shotgun covered in fluoroantimonic acid which burned a hole in his skull causing his brain to melt and rupture nerve cells all over his friends. Then his arms and legs were stuffed into a wheat thresher which was used to harvest the meat of the enslaved children. Then his corpse was molested.

Man: Could you hold this for me?

Kid: Ok mister! I love playing with a pew pew! Pow! Pew! Pew! Bang! *GUNSHOT*

Man: Dammit, now who am I gonna put in the van?!

Rapist: "Get into the fucking van!"

Kid: "mi gniog ot tell ym momy"

Rapist: "Fine" (Grabs a white kid instead)

I finally got my wife to shut up.

Who knew all I had to do was bury her alive all these years, ha! Try telling me to get my feet off the couch now, Karen!

Why doesn't Batman need Robin as a wingman?

Because he has no problem robbin' your girl.

@shelby denver is a massive nonce.

So, some ants in a colony go to war. They want some more troops and know that there are ants that went to wars as well. They call them war-ants.

They start barging into homes to search for more war-ants. They barge into a home, and the lady-ant goes, "Hey, why are you here? Can you please leave?" One of the ants replies with, "I'm sorry, but unless you have a war-ant, we have to keep searching your house."

What’s the difference a hooker an a drug dealer...?? A hooker can wash her crack an resell it.

So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.

Q: What's the hardest thing about losing your virginity?

A: Making sure she doesn't wake up.

Statistically, 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile. But not me, I live next to a 10-year-old boy with a fat ass.

Did you know that statistically, 1 in 10 people live next to a pedophile? Not me though, I live next to a 10 year old boy with a fat ass.

The bakery I worked at got robbed. They demanded the dough; apparently, it couldn't be baked first.

My life #freemymanrkelly

Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!

What was the last thing to go through the terrorist's mind? The detonator.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

The hooker can wash out her crack and reuse it.

Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

What are the differences between a preschool and a pedophile's basement? Little kids leave preschool.