Crime jokes
Why don't stags buy drugs? Because they are too deer.
My daughter came home from school later than usual. I was panicking, then at 5:30 p.m. she arrived, not walking but in a bus 🚌. I asked, "Where the hell did this bus come from?" She said, "The garage in the alleyway, Mama. I bought it for five gummies and eight buttons. You like her? She is called Belle Bus." My face was just: 😑 How did you get the bus here? She replies with a whisper, "I drove her through five gardens, a house, and two police cars!" 🙃 So that explains why you have handcuffs on. "Yeah!"
A man gets kicked out of police camp after writing "Who's that Pokémon?" next to all of the chalk outlines.
Did you hear about the dyslexic wanna-be bank robber? He walked in and yelled, "HANDS UP, THIS IS A MOTHER STICKING F##K UP!" The lucky idiot got away because nobody could stop laughing!
Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?
He got 12 months.
Worst joke ever.
Did you hear about the Scottish man who murdered his wife?
He totally kilt her.
It's not pedophilia, it's early access.
Me: Hi Jaiden.
Bully/Jaiden Harper: Leave me alone, weirdo.
Me: Wow, says the one who didn't pass 3rd grade.
Bully/Jaiden Harper: *hits*
Me: *calls FBI and puts on gloves and stabs random person then gives knife to Jaiden and takes off gloves* Bye bye.
FBI: FBI OPEN UP!!!!!!!!!
What did the robber say to the clock?
Hands up!
A drunk walks out of a bar late at night and sees a nun walking past on the footpath. He utters something hateful to himself as he begins running, building momentum before launching himself at the nun, catching her with a massive superman punch to the back of the head, knocking her tumbling brutally to the pavement.
He proceeded with a swift kicking to the nun's ribs and spine before grabbing the nun by the scruff of her habit and lifting her limp to her feet till face to face. Looking the nun dead in her eyes with menace, the drunk victoriously growled, "You're not so bloody tough tonight, are ya, Batman?"
I had a boyfriend once. He broke up with me because he "wanted to be more alive." I guess it didn't work when he went to my basement.
"Hippity hoppity, the school shooter spotted me."
If you read this, you fucked your dad and your 4-year-old sister, you sick fuck... At least wait till they are 15.
Why was going through JFK's head when he was getting assassinated? A bullet.
I give props to pedophiles.
They always go slow in the school zones.
My friend, Jackson Huge-T, got raped by Huge-D's.
Rape isn't funny unless she's laughing, too.
Chuck Norris hasn’t decided yet when Jimmy Hoffa can come out.
How many babies does it take to replace a light bulb? I'm guessing more than 10 cause it's still dark in my basement.
What does Bill Cosby and someone eating at McDonald's have in common?
They're both mc lovin' what they're eating.