Crime jokes

Did you hear about the kidnapping? Yeah, he woke up.

They can't say no if they're unconscious.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Fishes.

Fishes who?

Fishes the police, come out with your hands up!

Rape is not a joke.

The coffee was getting mugged, so it called 911.

Once a naked woman robs a bank, but sadly, no one can remember her face...

When a person went to a restaurant, they died once they were in. Three people were a suspect. Two were suspected because she served the food. Turns out, it was the food!

It's only rape.

If she finds out.

If your wife dies of childbirth, can you press charges on the baby?

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack, then sell it again.

99% of women kiss with their eyes closed, that's why it's so hard to identify the rapist.

I bought some sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.

You ever hear of a reverse exorcism?

It's where the devil tells the priest to get out of the child.

Imagine this... you're a lesbian, and you're doing it with your cannibal girlfriend. You say, "Eat me, baby!"

She pulls out a knife and fork.

What is the pedophile's favorite shoe?

White vans.

Welcome to David's Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!

When you have to get your prostate checked and you can feel the cold rubber of the glove, but you realize both the doctor's hands are on your shoulders.

My dad raped my mom, now I have a brother.

There was a car accident, and the cops pull up to the crime scene to start asking people questions. The police started talking to a blonde lady and said, "What happened here?" She responded by saying, "A car crash." They then asked, "But how did it happen?" She responded, "The cars crashed into each other." They finally said, "But why did it happen?" The lady said, "Oh, I know where you're going with this. It happened because when cars push on the gas pedal, the car goes forward, and they both pushed it, so they both went forward and hit each other." One cop said, "Never mind, ma'am," and they started walking away.

The blonde lady then said, "Oh, and officers, my computer froze. Do you think I should put it in the microwave or in the oven?"

No means no, but if you use chloroform, it’s a guaranteed yes.