Crime jokes
There's a new cooking programme on BBC1. The contestants are victims of domestic violence. It's called "Can't Cook... Right Hook."
What kind of star would go to jail?
A shooting star!
Why did Tyrone drop his ice cream cone?
A: He got shot.
Did you know cannibals ate KFC?
Kentucky Fried Children.
I'm Batman.
What's black, white, and red all over?
Lossvagus school shooting.
My brothers kept annoying me.
I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.
It was an empty threat—right after I was done.
What’s the difference between a pimple and a Priest?
You see, a pimple wouldn’t normally come on a kid until he’s 13 years old.
1. You're so dumb, you think Cheerios are donut seeds!
2. You're so fat, you could sell shade!
3. You're just like coconut water, nobody likes you!
4. Have you been shopping lately? Because they're selling lives around the corner, you should go get one!
If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence!!
Are these good?
Why did the police go to a baseball game?
Because a player stole the base.
What is the world's greatest invention? The ball gag, do you know why? Honestly, officer, I never heard her say no.
"When Republicans do politics, it's a crime. But when Democrats commit crimes, it's politics." ---Tyler Nixon
What does a woman do when she leaves the battered women's shelter?
"Cook my dinner, if she knows what's good for her."
What do you call an egg murder?
An eggs-terminator!
What's the difference between a club and a bar?
I can only get dead hookers from the club alleyways.
Hey, What do you want? We broke up like 5 days ago, leave me alone. Ok, first wanna do some things? What kind of things? Illegal things. Like what? Knock you off and hide your body. 🤡🤡🗡
Last night I burned down an orphanage.
There was one survivor who said I would regret it. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"
They killed a whole family of crows... It was a murder!
They killed a bunch of ravens... What a conspiracy!
I like my Oreos how I like my victims... Drowning.
There were three men in a car: the driver, a homeless man, and a rapper. The driver takes them to the woods and says, "I'm not really a cab driver, I'm a wanted killer." The homeless man says, "I'm not really homeless," and pulls out a chain. The rapper says, "If we're gonna be completely honest, I'm not a rapper, I'm a cop!"