Crime jokes
There were three men in a car: the driver, a homeless man, and a rapper. The driver takes them to the woods and says, "I'm not really a cab driver, I'm a wanted killer." The homeless man says, "I'm not really homeless," and pulls out a chain. The rapper says, "If we're gonna be completely honest, I'm not a rapper, I'm a cop!"
What's the difference between you and me? You're not strangling a man with a cloak on.
A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.
Last night I remember partying with friends to find blood on my nightstand.
Moments after, I scolded my friends to put my alarm clock back where they found it.
A man is sitting on a bench at a playground where children are playing. A man named Chris comes up and asks, “Which one is yours?” The man said, “I don’t know, I’m still deciding.”
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
What do pedophiles and Sandy Hook have in common?
Shooting up schoolchildren.
Someone kills an emotionally weak person by hard words and bullying.
No one will suspect the killer was anyone who took part.
Sending gay men to prison makes no sense to me. I mean, you have sex with a man and then they lock you up with a bunch of other men.
That would be like arresting someone for drunk driving and forcing them to become a bartender.
What is one of the worst but funniest incidents ever: a bullet in a baby in a baggy in a barrel in a bus in a nuclear plant were all of the employee's are molesters?
9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
Monkey Man's mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.
What do you do when an orphan gets you mad?
A stab to the neck and a bullet to the face.
What do you call the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones!
What’s pink, rusty, and covered in cobwebs?
Madeline McCann's bike.
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
How did the necrophiliac get caught?
Some rotten cunt split on him....
I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.
When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.
A man enters the bank and says, "Hi, I'm robbing you!" The man was arrested instantly.