Crime jokes
What do a turtle and a pedophile have in common?
They both try to get there before the hair does.
What kind of file turns a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A pedophile.
What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff.
What's pink and rusty? Madeline McCann's bike.
Dream tweeted, and I quote, "Babies kick pregnant women all the time, but I do it one time and I’m the one arrested."
I just killed a family of five.
Now I’m an orphan.
Why do Catholic priests suck on the cock of a young boy in his parish?
Because it tastes like a Vienna sausage.
I got raped by my therapist... now I know where the name comes from!
If I was in a room with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Hitler, and my greatest enemy, I would pour out the bullets and beat my enemy with the gun.
A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and yells, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" The guy behind the bar says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets!"
I love me a nice tight pussy. That's why I'm in big trouble with RSPCA.
Do you know why in France there is a cheese named "fromage à râpe?"
Because the cheese got raped.
Officer: Hi, how high are you?
Pothead: No officer, it's "how are you?"
Officer: Oh, I'm sorry, I've been high since last night.
Pothead: Cool, I'd like to give you some weed, happy 420, sir.
Officer: Omg, thanks man, appreciate that.
I bought drugs today.
My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!
A person in NYC is shot every 5 minutes. Poor guy!
I was invited into a celebrity's house, that's what I told the cops at least...
Have you ever been accused of a crime you didn't commit? Well, I have! I was wrongfully accused of larceny yesterday. I'm not smart enough for that, I just stole some stuff.
Today was a bittersweet day...
Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!
You know what I hate about rape?
Keeping it a secret.
It's not rape if you're both crying.