Crime jokes
How to be a hero.
1. Tie a noose in your front yard.
2. Find and capture a furry.
3. Hang that furry because they deserve it.
Itβs easy as 1-2-3!
They say there's a person capable of murder in every friend group.
I suspected that it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
Why do pirates pirate? Because they "Arrrrrrrrrgggghhh!" Hahahahahahahahaha!
One day a couple was walking when the man stepped on something hard and squishy, then they heard a sound from the bushes. Instead of looking down, they both ran.
Two years later, they turned on the TV to find Ted Bundy on trial. They asked him if he has ever been caught. He said, "No, but a couple was walking as soon as I killed a girl. I jumped into a bush. They didn't know I was there, but the man stepped on the dead body but didn't look down, then he and his girlfriend ran."
You can't call yourself a baby boomer if you have never detonated an infant.
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? She can wash her crack and resell it.
What do you call being run over by Michael Jackson?
Being hit by... Being struck by... A smooth criminal.
My friend told me to beat that pussy up... so why is the local animal control at my door?
Q: How many cops does it take to put in a light bulb? A: None, they just beat the room for being black. πππ
Where do spiders commit crimes?
The Dark Web.
I went to the local butcher's and asked him what happened to his Saturday boy. The butcher replies, "I had to fire him, I found him with his dick in the meat slicer!"
"What did you do with the meat slicer?" I asked.
The butcher says, "I had to fire her too!"
Alternative punchline:
"I had to call social services, she was only 14."
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I donβt know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What is the difference between a hoe's birth Daddy and her pimp Daddy?
The first daddy plants the seed in a cunt, and the second reaps the harvest from the cunt.
Did you hear about the cheetah who robbed a bank? He ran away so fast he almost got away with it, but he was spotted.
Why can orphans get away from the FBI?
Because they don't have a house.
Why do homeless people commit crimes?
They get a bed in jail.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a big word for a six-year-old.
How do pirates like their movies?
You already know the answer, don't you?
Well...
ARRR rated! Huh huh huh...
What is a nonce's favorite toy...? You.
I really wasn't planning on going for a run today, but damn, those cops came out of nowhere!