Crime jokes
School Bully: How's your girlfriend? Oh wait, you don't have any!
Me: How's your parents? Oh wait, you don't have any! *Continues to burn down orphanage*
Judge: We shall now sentence you for the murder of your parents.
Accused: Please consider a lenient sentence, your honor.
Judge: But why?
Accused: Because I’m an orphan.
I own a gun with Nazi rounds and shot a guy who broke into my house. He said, “Did you just shoot me with a Nazi round?” and I replied, “Do you mean Nein millimeter?”
I wasn't cut out for running today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
Why do boys feel safer at Ronald McDonald's House than Neverland Ranch?
Ronald McDonald's doesn't put his meat between boys' buns.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
What's black and white and red all over? The prisoner I just hit with my car.
My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That’s a big word for a six-year-old.
What is the difference between a preschool and my basement?
Little kids leave preschool.
What’s a pedophile’s favorite type of garden?
A KinderGarden.
What do pedophiles and Xboxes have in common?
They both get turned on by kids.
My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Someone in London is stabbed every two minutes. Poor guy.
YouTubers: Among Us in real life.
Bin Laden: Angry Birds in real life.
I'll kill a bitch like the policeman did to that white woman. He chopped her up and put her in the woods, the suck fuck.
What do you say if you are raped once but feel raped twice?
"I was raped raped."
My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.
How do you turn rape into no rape? Steal her bank details for money transfer.
How do you get your appeal for rape charges accepted? Say you were expressing your desire for a woman, which is protected under the Constitution in freedom of expression.
We shouldn't joke about major tragedies. My dad died in 9/11, he was Saudi Arabia's best pilot.