Crime jokes

I don't call it arson. I call it warming up.

So Little Johnny saw a robbery, so he tried to stop the robber. To the robber's surprise, he was amazed. So Johnny got 20 shots to the head. The End.

When is rape normal?

When it's called an unplanned pregnancy.

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?

My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.

Why do orphans play GTA so much?

Because they can be wanted for once.

How to commit arson:

1. Burn down an orphanage.

I asked a man if I was the fastest gun in the west. He said my 17 wasn't good enough. After that, a lot of lead went into his head.

As tragic as school shootings are, it's also a quick way to a late-term abortion.

A straight man and a gay man are talking. The straight man says, "I'm wanted in 2 states for murder." and the gay man replies with, "Oh, that sucks. I'm wanted in 13 for existing."

I lost my driver's license today. I hit my ex with my car.

"Hee hee touch my pp."

I tried kidnapping a kid today and told him I was his dad's friend and I would take him home. He just curled up into a ball and started crying. Kidnapping must be easy.

Me and my friends were having a party the other day when some bitch came bitching about the noise. Thankfully, she was hot and had a nice ass, so it was enjoyable raping her.

The next day when I woke up, I found her body only half eaten. Her lower body was still intact, so I went for seconds to fuck off the hangover. Then I had breakfast. Her ass tasted good with some ketchup.

One time, a man got mad at me because I was hitting on his girlfriend. Like come on, man, it was only a couple of bruises!

What do you call a protest that gets crowded?

Human trafficking.

You heard that Michael Jackson autopsy reports showed he died of food poisoning?

It’s because he ate some 8 year old nuts.

What's the difference between an emo and a prisoner?

The prisoner is wanted!

Easy way to get away from rape is to become the rapist. All women need to carry a 12-inch dildo and a gun!

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Don’t worry, he woke up.

In my basement.

If she refuses to suck and threatens to bite, just knock her teeth out. Call it the “Bloody Gummer”.