Crime jokes
You heard that Michael Jackson autopsy reports showed he died of food poisoning?
It’s because he ate some 8 year old nuts.
What's the difference between an emo and a prisoner?
The prisoner is wanted!
Easy way to get away from rape is to become the rapist. All women need to carry a 12-inch dildo and a gun!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Don’t worry, he woke up.
In my basement.
If she refuses to suck and threatens to bite, just knock her teeth out. Call it the “Bloody Gummer”.
The pastor jumped at the chance to meet Ariana the other day.
He also grabbed, fondled, and fingered. Some might say he was milking the situation.
A woman exclaims that she was robbed. She was reading in the dark, candles were next to her. She says the thief opens her cabin of jewelry and leaves and enters from the window. He left the window open so she feels a drift of wind coming towards her. She turns the lights on and sees what happened.
The candle wax was going down straight. A policeman closes the window and cabin then tells her she's lying just for the cash reward. Why?
Because if the drift of wind came in, the candle wax would be dripping to the side, not straight!
What’s red and white and black all over?
A dead white man at night time!
What’s the difference between jail and my basement?
Some people are let out of jail.
What's young, red, and has hot PTSD?
Prince Andrew's victims.
What's red and got makeup all over?
A Bill Cosby victim.
"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"
"Who was in the race?"
"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"
How do you take care of all the babies you just crushed with your car?
Open a pizza shop 🍕
Kobe would still be alive if he would have gone to jail for raping that girl.
Why did the chief go to jail?
Because he beat the eggs and whipped the cream!
I saw a man trying to rape a dog. I decided to help. The dog can't stand a chance against the both of us.
I was cussing out this kid for stealing, and their mom walked in and said, "Hey, language!" I just said, "English, bitch!"
So, as a school shooter, I try to remember my ABC's. A, B, C, D, E, F, GUN!
And I basically stop at G, since no students ever speak to me about the rest.
I remember locking my door, but then I went downstairs to hear someone say, "I'm inside your home." I said, "GTFO my house, BICH!"
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bastard.