Cousin jokes

They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.

Two natives sit in the bar getting shit-faced.

Almost closing time, "Brother, you gonna snag?"

"Yeah, I'm taking her home."

He walks over, she gathers her things. Walking out together, he takes her to his car outback. They stay messing around then start having sex. He starts to get carried away. He looks down at her. She looks up at him and says, "Slow down, cousin, you're going too fast..."

Signs my cousin is going places when he's older:

TEST QUESTION: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

He wrote: "At the bottom of the page."

Smart kid!

My cousin really loves baseball.

He always brags about how many home runs he hit in the minors.

I was looking at our Human Services Minister and thinking I'm surprised he's married.

The things you do for your cousins!

Max Heart and his gay cousin Nickals Amoto say I back out of a fight. When he said let's fight, then last minute he said he doesn't want to, then says I chickened out. I [was] ready to fight, but his gut [was] swollen [and] his arms [were]. He actually looks like Humpty Dumpty, but [I] just wanted to say he backed out + Max and Nickals are both gay with each other.

I'll never forget my aunt's last words before she died: "Can you stop shaking the ladder, please?"

My cousin called me ugly.

Well, I'm pretty sure 90% of her looks could be wiped away with a Kleenex.

Who is Osama Bin Laden’s secret cousin? Barack Obama or Barack Osama Bin Laden?

Me and my cousin went to a restaurant yesterday.

I ordered my chicken fried, he ordered his chicken alive.

My cousin is a surgeon.

Last year he botched a surgery he was doing on a patient who happened to be gay. He's being sued for malpractice for turning a fruit into a vegetable.

You'll never be lonely at cousinsonly.com.

I feel wrong. What does this make us?

Still cousins.

My mom telling me the brief history of the blanket and how she received it from her cousin. (⁠ ⁠╹⁠▽⁠╹⁠ ⁠)

Me sitting anxiously in place pretending to be amazed by the story, and reacting with kind cheerfulness and a big smile. (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)

All I can actually think about: "I m@sturbated under it- aaaaaah" ಠ⁠◡⁠ಠ

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

What is harder than steel?

My cousin at the family reunion.

When your cousin who has a lisp died from the impostor in Among Us,

"THE IMPASTA KILLED MEH!"

When your cousin dies and everybody thinks you're her.

FUCKING MENT

Four men were asked if they could have something with their cousin for €500.

The first replied: "For 500€? Of course!"

The second said: "I'd do it for free!"

The third replied: "I would even give her 200€!"

The fourth replied: "With my ex? Never!"

My cousin asked me, "What do you think was going through Hitler's mind right before he died?"

I told him, "Probably a bullet."