I still remember my granddads last words,
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
Guy: Hi, how was your day today. Woman: Good! Guy: *Well I can’t ask her out cause she’s pregnant* Guy: How many months pregnant are you? Woman: What to you mean?!?! Also I’m not pregnant.
Three women walk into a bar and start talking about how loose they are. One fits a sausage, another fits a cucumber, the third one slides down the barstool
Billy: Dad, I was shot by a sniper! Dad: Uh- *hides his rifle*
Do you know candice
Candice balls fit in yo mouth
How do you talk to a giant? - - Use big words.
So my mom was talking to me and told me to go to the store so when I get there,there’s a sign but then someone tells me that’s just someone with a ginormous forehead
Me: knock, knock,
Other person: who’s there?
Me: Atch
Other person: Atch who
Me: Bless you
Let's hope the new tower doesn't go plane watching like the old ones
North Tower: Hey south tower we can talk later I gotta catch a plane
freshman - hey whats better ford or chevy. seinor - i dont fuckin care long as it drives. freshman - so im guessing its chevy
When your friends talking about sports: Jake says " It was 17.56M people watching in basketball championship"🦁
Sam says " It was 113M People watching the Super Bowl" 😯🐱
Avion says "It was up from 1.12 billion people watching World Cup 😶🙀
Two skeletons meet at the graveyard at noon. "What the heck are you doing here?" "I couldn't sleep."
I asked a man for ten dollars for a cup of coffee, The man said coffee was only a quarter, I told him I was putting all my begs in one ask it.
friend: how's it going? me: good, things are good! parent: how are you? me: oh I'm fine! Twitter: compose new tweet? me: hellooooo l would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it
*at school* nobody:do u want nuts me: wait u have some nobody: yeah their my own me: :0
"Hey, man do you have any ben and jerry's?"
"yeah I have two of them fresh and preserved in the freezer"
"I meant the ice cream bro..."
You: hey Alexa what is your gender? Alexa: I idenify as Michael Jackson and my pronens are...... Me: *hears it* and their pronens are he/he
People always talk about starting families, what happened to finishing the job?
When knife tells Annoying Orange "I'm trying something new", Annoying Orange said "Oh no, are you having a midknife crisis?" and then Annoying Orange laughs
Angela: Kris, I just met the nicest, sweetest guy ever.
Kristie: Who is he and what is his name?
Angela: His name is Kevin.
Kristie: Kevin? I remember him. He said he had to go to Italy for a meeting, never seen him after that. What the hell is Kevin doing here?
Angela: I don't know.
