Me and my brother talking about relationships Me: We live kind of differently Brother: We're sort of alike Me: We're not alike Brother because he's taken: cause you don't have boyfriend! My thoughts: You're right. Cause I have a girlfriend!
My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room So I said “I guess she wasn’t fealine it” My dad said “you’ve got to be kitten me that was purfect” I said “literally”
*text conversation boy: when you kiss someone you burn 15 calories. Wanna burn calories together sometime? girl: are you saying i'm fat?
What did the phone receptionist at the suicide hotline tell the callers? Hang in there.
me:knock knock my sister: whos there me: i eat mop my sister: i eat mop who my mind: i eat my poo my sister getting it
Next time you get a call from anybody say hi welcome to daves orphanage you make them we take them how may i help you
or
hi welcome to pizza and abortion clinic your loss is our sauce
What did one mountain climber say to the other mountain climber?
Man, you are really on edge.
What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?
He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”
" this a recreation from ME" Guy: Do you know how to draw woman's rights Girl: No how Guy: All you need is a blank paper and reality.
Friend: Slavery isnt good Other friend: Yea its terrible Me: shut up and get me a juice
A couple enters a Chinese restaurant. Took their seats. The waiter asked ‘Xiang Chi Shen Ma’ and the wife said ‘Chi Ji Ba’
Talking about planets with my nephew. He asked if you could Plow thru Uranus because it's all gas.
Guy 1: How far are we going?
Guy 2: About as far as somebody's miscarriage.
A man is sitting in a chair. He is talking to the other freind about what they must cherish. One says he cherishes his family the other cherishes his parents and a man comes in points at the chair’s and says “I CHAIRish my Chair” as he pulls up a chair.
What did Jim say to Jeff?
"I killed your ham."
There were three babies in a moms stomach. One baby asks, “what do you want to be when you grow up” The other baby answers, “a doctor I want to help people, what about you” “I want to be an engineer, I want to make things, what about you” he asks to the third baby. “I want to be a hunter”. “Why” the other babies ask. “I want to kill the snake that spits on my face”
Two wind turbines are standing in a field. One asks, "What's your favorite type of music?" The other says, "Well...I'm a huge metal fan..."
What did the Basket Ball Say to the Frisbee... "No Balls"
What did the first rape victim say to the second rape victim? You are a consequence of rape
[ when a cop meets a pothead on April 20th ]
Officer : Hi, how high are you?
Pothead : No officer, it's how are you
Officer : oh im sorry ive been high since last night
Pothead : cool, i'd like to give you sum weed, happy 420 sir
Officer : omg thx man appreciate that
