Break a wine glass: I give you bad luck for a year.
Break a mirror: Funny wine glass, I give you bad luck for 7 years.
Breaking a condom: Haha so funny mirror.
My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week.
She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.
Where did Amy go after the explosion?
Everywhere.
Why did little Timmy drop his ice cream cone?
He got hit by a bus.
What makes suicide illegal?
Getting caught.
What's the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus? They're both saying "Oh my god, my mom's gonna kill me!"
What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?
They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"
Hear about the restaurant called karma? There is no menu: You get what you deserve.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.
Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".
Why is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.
Confucius say, "man who go to sleep with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger."
