Comparison jokes

What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?

The sound when they hit the windshield.

Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?

A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I thought Voldemort was ugly, then I saw you.

What's the difference between your new girlfriend and a tornado? At first, there is a lot of blowing, and then your house will be gone.

Q. What's the difference between pizza and an emo?

A. The pizza doesn't cut itself.

What's the difference between you and Hitler? At least he knows how to use an oven.

What's the difference between a fish and a car?

You can tune a car... but you can't TUNA fish! x3

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Atoms are small, But so are you!

Your forehead looks like the inside of a Malteser.

What’s the difference between a baby and a beet?

Beets stain your teeth.

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, and Michael Jackson likes little boys.

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

Your forehead is like my dad.

Non-existent.

What is the difference between a cow and me?

Nothing.

What's the difference between a plane and a woman?

At least the plane doesn't give you herpes when it crashes at your place.

What is a difference between a tree and a car? A car 🚙 can drive and [a] tree 🌲 can not drive.

What is the similar thing between alcohol and anal sex?

They are not for kids.

How are genders different than the Twin Towers?

There are two genders.

Write a different joke of onions and a dead baby.

Boy, look at your hair. It be looking like the McDonald's symbol.