Comparison jokes

Roses are red, Velvet is blue, So are violets.

The cashew called the peanut boring.

The peanut felt very unsalted.

What's the difference between a golfer and a fisherman? A fisherman has to bring proof back.

What's the difference between an egg and a good wank?

You can beat an egg.

Amelia is hotter than my mum 696969696.

Say this to your significant other (or your weird friends!)

Are you an unsafe staircase? 'Cause you look like you could use a railing.

What’s the difference between a life and a nuclear bomb?

I don’t have a life.

You're so short, Aiden looked tall.

Your hairline is so hideous that Derrick White's hairline envies yours.

What's the difference between a guy and a woman? They fall from different heights.

What's the difference between you and my dad? You come home.

73 Earths can fit in Uranus.

What does a kite and a criminal have in common?

They both get high.

VVD [is] better than Sergio Ramos.

Walking is just running with extra steps.

I like my women how I like my coffee... HOT.

God, you’re having a good day?

Me: Yes, beats burning in hell.

Something you can say about your furniture, but not your partner: "Those legs sure hold a lot of weight."

What's the difference between a McDonald's and the Twin Towers?

McDonald's has a drive-thru.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."