Comparison jokes

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

Your forehead is like my dad.

Non-existent.

What is the difference between a cow and me?

Nothing.

What's the difference between a plane and a woman?

At least the plane doesn't give you herpes when it crashes at your place.

What is a difference between a tree and a car? A car 🚙 can drive and [a] tree 🌲 can not drive.

What is the similar thing between alcohol and anal sex?

They are not for kids.

How are genders different than the Twin Towers?

There are two genders.

Write a different joke of onions and a dead baby.

Boy, look at your hair. It be looking like the McDonald's symbol.

Donald Trump took the bullet better than Joe Biden took the stairs.

What's the difference between family and cats...

Cats won't abuse you at Christmas.

What does grass and Rachel Sutherland’s wrists have in common: nothing, they both get cut.

What's the difference between a baby and a cooked chicken?

Several hundred calories.

Your maw *microsoft shutting down noise*

What's the difference between me and my best friends?

At least one of us has a house.

I swear, if I compared the size of your mother and multiplied it by the time your dad was gone, it wouldn't even be close to your hairline.

Yo mama's armpits are so hairy, it looks like she's got Buckwheat in a headlock.

Yo mama so fat, her belly button got 15 minutes before her.

Why is Ronnie Anne like Lincoln? Because he is a softy about everything.

Erin like TJ, but his tapeline said no.