Comparison jokes
What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple? An apple gets picked.
Your forehead is big. God said dude that's bigger than me and I'm infinitely big!
Damn, bitch, you got a big ass for a head!
What's the difference between apples and dead babies?
I don't ejaculate on apples before I eat them.
What is the difference between butter and a blonde? - Butter is difficult to spread.
Your mum is so ugly she could make an onion cry.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
What's the difference between the righteous and a sinner?
You decide.
It’s nice hitting it from the back when my wife has wide hips.
Her butt cheeks look like big huge ball sacks as my thighs smack up against them when I’m thrusting. I like to finish off by grinding my weiner up and down her back like a gay man frotting his schlong on his partner’s ding dong.
I am like Cookie Monster on steroids when it comes to cookies.
Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:
Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.
What did the poo say when it fell out of your bum?
"Your anus looks like my mum's bedsheet which is smelly and covered in poo."
I also just wanted to add that a Goonie's anus looks like my nan's mouth.
I swear, in America, one school shooter can take good care of hundreds of kids, but hundreds of soldiers can't even win a war. Might as well send all your school shooters over there.
What's the difference between a penis and a gun?
A child doesn't cry when a gun goes off in its mouth.
What is the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
The twin towers are like genders, there used to be two of them.
What do milk and Make-A-Wish kids have in common? They both have expiration dates.
What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.
what's the difference between my hand and my blade? my hand isn't sharp.
What does the plane that hit the Twin Towers and milk have in common?
My dad went to get both and never came back.