Come jokes

Your mama is so ugly, she tried summoning Candyman, but he refused to come!

What do you not say to an Emo if you want them to come round? "Wanna hang out."

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.

And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Why was Mrs. Claus upset?

Because Santa only comes once a year.

Why can't orphans eat chips?

Because they come in family size.

Q: What did the porn actress say when she opened the door?

A: Make sure to come upstairs!

American soldier: "Did you come here to die?"

Australian soldier: "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterdie."

Fat people are like the Twin Towers. Once they go down, they don’t come back up.

Why do vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?

Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don’t like where real meat comes from.

How do terrorists feed their children?

Here comes the airplane.

Why does Santa come down the chimney? Because he knows he isn't allowed to come in the back door.

What’s something you can say in a grocery store and in bed?

"Thanks for coming."

What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both come while you’re asleep.

A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.

"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"

"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."

People say that they can read people's faces; then how come nobody sees me breaking inside?

Why's it so hard to come out of the closet? Just open the door!

How do terrorists feed their babies?

Here comes the airplane...

HERE COMES THE SECOND ONE 👹

Two boys are wandering in the woods, playing games.

Suddenly, they come across a naked lady, and one of the boys starts running. The other chases after him and asks: "Why did you start running?"

The boy replies with: "My mom said if I ever see a naked lady, then I would turn to stone. And I can already feel a part of me turning hard."

Girl playing outside: "Step on a line and you break your mommy's spine." She then steps on a line and her mother keels over screaming.

Girl playing outside: "Step on a crack and you break daddy's back." She steps on a crack the mailman next door then keels over screaming.

The husband starts celebrating, gets in the car, and starts to drive away.

The son comes outside and steps on a crack.

The dad then dies in a car crash.