Close jokes

Why did Billy kill himself with a TV remote?

He wasn't even REMOTELY close to being happy.

How does a blonde turn the light off after sex?

She closes the car door.

What do you get if you talk to a Down syndrome person face to face at close distance?

Soaked...

You're so damn ugly that the robbers only go into your house to close the blinds.

The first priest asks the second, "How long do we keep the babies in the holy water?" The priest replies, "No clue... I close my eyes when I masturbate!"

Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.

My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"

"Islam it is."

Sad to think about legend O.G. Mudbone being no longer with us.

I’m only curious how they closed his casket.

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.

He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.

A stone’s throw away, in fact.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke weed.

Jack and Jill got high, and Jack ripped Jill's clothes right off her. Then Jill ripped Jack's clothes off. Jack, when they were fully naked, they started to kiss, but Jack stopped. Jill said, "I know you wanna." Jack said, "No," but Jill jumped on that candy stick anyway. Jack gave in to Jill.

Jill got off, then let Jack suck her candy stick. Jill sucked on Jack's candy stick.

Do you think John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head because his wife said he was close-minded?

Grandma isn’t responding. Close app, wait, cancel.

Which do you choose?

None of these jokes are close to funny! Btw, who the hell is Gwen?

Guys, put more comments in.

We are so close to beating the world record for most comments on this website, and the record is 171.

I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly, a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs.

Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

🌍: You're so hot!

🌎: How are you single?

☀️: I burn anyone who gets too close!

Did you hear about the man who died of a Viagra overdose?

They couldn't close the casket.

This name makes me want to close season instead of open it.

Stephen Hawking's last words were the Windows closing sound.

Bro sat down too close for comfort. I told him to move or he would get hurt.

Come on, how hard could it possibly be To move a few inches? You’re touching my D.

A guy really needs his personal space. Disobey and I’ll shove it in your face.