Close Jokes

If I was an object in this world I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an Ex streamly powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shity book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape but the more they try the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety

Help me....

The first priest asks the second, "How long do we keep the babies in the holy water?", the priest replies, "No clue... I close my eyes when I masturbate"

Me and Jesus are really close he even turns the light on for me when i go pee in the middle of the, well that is what i thought until the fridge was wet.

My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room." "Islam it is."

Sad to think about legend O.G. Mudbone being no longer with us.

I’m only curious how they closed his casket.

None of these jokes are close to funny! Btw who the hell is gwen?

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What did the iceberg say to the firefighter? Come close and i’ll knock you out cold

I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

🌍:You're so hot! 🌎:How are you single? ☀️:I burn anyone who gets too close!

i swear if i compared the size of your mother and multiplied it by the time your dad was gone, it wouldn't even be close to your hairline.

Did you hear about the man who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close the casket.

Stephen hawkings last words were the windows closing sound

There were people having sex when it started sinking. Legend tells when you go near the ship you can see semin and if you listen close enough you'll hear them moaning.

Now that's a hell of a ghost story.

I just reached 10 million pounds in euro truck simulator, but its not even close to what Rakhmat akilov achieved

I think my dad is to black because whenever he goes to bed and closes his eyes he disappears .🤣

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Seven’s been worried about six even since he left Afghanistan. Every time 6 closes his eyes, he sees the war and hears the gunshots. He sees the blood, the killing, the death, and soldiers falling. When he looks at seven, he remembers when they were forced to eat their own flesh to not starve in those caves. He sees the war and the flashbacks will come back forever, burned into his soul and mind.

the moment when you tell an illegal immigrant to go home and he walks to the jail cell and closes it.