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Close Jokes

Three guys are stranded with cannibals on an island. The cannibals said "Each one of you come back with 10 pieces of fruit and shove them up your butt showing no emotion". The first guy came back with 10 apples and by the second one he started to grunt so he was killed and eaten. The second one came back with cherries and when he went to put the 10th one in he started to laugh so he was killed and eaten. The two guys met in heaven and the first guy said" dude you were so close what happened?" The second one said" I would have made it but I saw the third guy come back with 10 pineapples!!"😝😝🤣🤣

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. 
A stone’s throw away, in fact.

When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it "I'll get you some food once we get off"

Rape can happen to anybody, so I think I will continue taking the short cut home through the dark alleyways wearing barely anything and walk really close to bushes

90 percent of women kiss with their eyes closed, which is why it's so difficult to identify a rapist

I named my daughter Kennedy so when I talked about how her brain was shot out of her head people just thought I paid really close attention in history.

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