Close Jokes

I just reached 10 million pounds in euro truck simulator, but its not even close to what Rakhmat akilov achieved

I think my dad is to black because whenever he goes to bed and closes his eyes he disappears .🤣

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. 
A stone’s throw away, in fact.

A man is in purgatory. He says he suddenly was shocked by something, so he died. The guard at purgatory says: "I can give you one more chance to live!" He revives the man. The man gets up, but something doesn't feel right... He looks in the mirror to see what's wrong. He closes his eyes and hears something. Guard: "Welcome back! You found the problem!"

If I was an object in this world I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an Ex streamly powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shity book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape but the more they try the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety

Help me....

doctor: i'm sorry, but you still have 10 seconds left. man: what?! what about my family??! my son is still missing! i can't just leave like that! doctor: don't worry sir, i told your family. man: that's.. great.. if they found my son, tell them that i love him more than anything and i couldn't keep that promise. the doctor watches the man closing his eyes while tears fell down from his eyes. doctor: i will... dad..

tq for reading my crappy joke

the moment when you tell an illegal immigrant to go home and he walks to the jail cell and closes it.

me and my suicidal friend are close, so i took him to the mall to treat him. we bought snacks, a new controller for his xbox and a led lights for him room to hopefully brighten his mood. after we scanned the last item, the machine beeped by itself.

I wasn’t close to my dad when he died it’s a good thing he stepped on a land mine

Luckily his funeral was a closed casket, sorry his car blew a gasket

Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed

I'm a magician. Watch my closing act at the end of the rope.

Why can't orphans close their video games?

Because they can't find the home button

What are you doing son.it has been an hour and you are still in front of the mirror closing your eyes.

Mum actually I want to see how I look while sleeping...

Rajesh get on bus, so many people, squeeze here squeeze there. He daydream about naughty stuff, like coffee spill but not coffee. Bus move, stop, he press close to pretty lady, she smell nice. Rajesh think how funny if something else spill, make whole bus ride wild. He laugh to self, bus ride never boring now!

Hola soy Dora do you see the Cliff. Say backpack. Tell her that we need Amanda. While I push her off the cliff you will not peek. Did you just peek. Close your eyes. You silly goose. The end

He’s so short no one can see you very close by

My wife is so fat. She buys her close at Tent & Awning!