children's jokes
What is yellow and can’t swim?
A school bus full of children.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
What's the leading cause of pedophilia? Sexy children.
Why do priests appreciate educated children?
They don't spit.
In my spare time I help blind children. -- I mean the verb, not the adjective.
Memes
for real
What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
They both leave children's rooms with an empty sack.
Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"
The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."
What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?
The fish can swim.
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."
What do you call a Catholic priest who molests children?
A Catholic priest.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?
One's made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with, the other one carries your shopping.
What's the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?
School buses usually don't have screaming and crying children.
What has 50 legs but can't walk?
25 disabled children.
Which sex position produces the ugliest children?
Go ask your mother.
What's yellow but can't swim?
A bus full of children.
How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."
What do most 50-year-old men put inside their cars?
Children.
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.
"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"
So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"
The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".