Child jokes

What's the difference between a six-year-old and a submarine?

I've never been inside a submarine.

Two priests are pulled over by the police. One priest asks the cop what the reason for pulling them over is. The cop says, "We are looking for two child molesters." The priest look at each other and tell the cop they'll do it.

What do Spiderman and an orphan have in common? They both have no way home.

Why do orphans hate dodgeball?

Because nobody misses them.

Q: How many children does it take to shingle a roof?

A: Depends on how thinly you slice them.

Why do orphans play Sims?

Because they can make themselves a family.

I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.

I feel sad for orphans. They can't watch Star Wars because it's parental guidance.

Why is Helen Keller's child blind too? She always fed it with a fork!

A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?

A little kid was lost, and he asked me to find his home. I love working at the orphanage.

A rapist walks into a school and asks if they had 5 year olds in the school, and the teacher replies, "Are you that same person who took Jimmy?"

The man replies, "Yes," and the teacher says, "Take Susie too; she's being a little bitch."

- Mommy, what will I be when I'm grown up?

- Shut up, Sam, you've got cancer!

I saw this little girl crying. I asked her where her parents were. She cried more, man, I love working at an orphanage.

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: Seeing others happy.

Doctor: Ok, so what makes you happy?

Me: Seeing stupid people in misery or agony.

Doctor: Well, that's rather sadistic.

Me: Well, statistically one in two doctors have fingered a child...

Doctor: Do you want your prescription or shall I book you an endoscopy?

Me: There's nothing hidden inside me, I'm empty "smug face".

1 like = 1 more child in my basement.

How many children does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw.

A family of three, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”

“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.

“Let me start,” says the son.

“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.

“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.

“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom.

“You’re right!” He replies.

“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”

“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son.

“The lie isn’t that you’re adopted,” says the dad.

Little Johnny walked into the bathroom while his dad was taking a dump. As soon as Little Johnny walked in, his dad let out a big FART! Little Johnny said, “WHAT WAS THAT?” His dad said, “That was the sound of the north wind.” The next day his teacher asked the class, “What’s the direction of the north wind?” Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said, “TEACH IT’S MY DADDY’S BOOTY!”

My girlfriend called me a "pedophile", and I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old."