Child jokes

How many children does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw.

A family of three, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”

“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.

“Let me start,” says the son.

“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.

“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.

“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom.

“You’re right!” He replies.

“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”

“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son.

“The lie isn’t that you’re adopted,” says the dad.

My girlfriend called me a "pedophile", and I said, "That's a big word for a 5-year-old."

I asked my mom where babies come from. She said I came from the adoption center.

What do you call a sneaky child molester?

Incogpedo.

I have the brains of an old man and the heart of a child. If you don't believe me, I can pop my trunk.

What did Michael Jackson say to the child sitting on him?

“Just beat it! Just beat it!”

What do you call it when an orphan takes a family photo? A selfie.

My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That’s a big word for a six-year-old.

What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

One gets picked.... (not the orphan)

What starts with M and ends with carriage?

This joke never gets old, but then again neither does the baby.

Police: Where do you live? Child: With my parents.

Police: Where do your parents live? Child: With me.

Police: Where do you all live? Child: Together.

Police: Where is your house? Child: Next to my neighbor's house.

Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Child: If I tell you, would you believe me?

Police: Yes. Now tell me. Child: Next to my house.

Police: ... Child: 😊

Police: *Proceeds to beat the life out of the child*

What's the difference between kids and drugs? I don't sell drugs.

I threw a paralyzed kid into the fireplace and called him hotwheels.

DAD: I'm bringing your toys to the orphanage.

SON: Why?

DAD: You're going to need them.

Why is the orphan failing all his classes? He can't do homework.

I like my kids how I like my lights, Hanging from the ceiling.

After work, I volunteer to help blind children. Verb, not adjective.

A proud new dad sits down with his own father.

His father says, "Son, you now have a child of your own, so I think it's time I gave you this." And so, he pulls out a book: 1001 Dad Jokes.

The young man says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.

His father says, "Hi, Honored, I'm Dad."

How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you throw them.