Child jokes
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said...
“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”
I will call my kid Monday, because whenever I see him, I feel disappointment.
One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles.
The cops arrived and arrested the woman for killing her cheating husband, and the son was sent to child services. (Moral - no one cares about the frkn snail and turtles!)
How is an orphan like a boomerang?
They always come back!
You want to hear a dirty joke? Jonny played in the mud. You want to hear a clean joke? Jonny took a bath with bubbles. You want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the next door neighbor.
What did Onett and Threed reply to their child?
"I love you Twoson."
Girl 1: Dad, why is my name Rose?
Dad: Because a rose landed on your head.
Girl 2: Hey, Dad, why is my name Daisy?
Dad: Because a daisy landed on your head.
Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr!
Dad: Oh, hey Brick!
What did the skeleton say to the genderless child? "You're fucking dead, mate."
After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”
The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”
What happened to the eight-year-old boy that needed to go to the bathroom during church?
The priest stopped him on the way there.
Q) What did the airplane say to the little boy?
A) Nothing, airplanes don't talk!
Have a sink in your house? Eat it.
Have a mouse in your house? Kill it.
Have a child in your house? MICROWAVE IT.
...just kidding. Now watch this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5tjtUFL0j4
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
Because they can’t find home.
A kid asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you love me?" The mother responds with, "I love you as much as I love your brother." The kid looks confused and says, "But I don't have a brother." The mother smiles and says, "Well, I guess my love is not existing."
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
How do Asian people name their children?
They throw a pan down the stairs.
What would your name be? Msg it to @chelsearosegraham.
What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self-raising.
Little boy: Are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yes, what gave me away?
Little boy: Your parents.
What do you call an orphan's family tree? A stump.
What’s the difference between a baby and a beet?
Beets stain your teeth.