Child jokes

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

When you see an "Autistic child zone" sign and say, "Oh! That wasn't a dog."

One day, I saw a kid sitting on the curb dressed in rags. I asked if he was an orphan. He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?" I said, "His parents."

What's the difference between a PC and a 6 year old? I don't have to clean out my PC.

A person had a child named Bl, another named Es, and one named S. The next was named You. They were a very unholy family.

Their children were shamed upon because their names spell out "Bless you."

What’s the definition of a pedophile, Tyler?

When I become a parent, I’m gonna regurgitate my food to feed my children.

It’ll give me an excuse to make out with my daughter.

I will tell you a story. There was a fruit named Pear who was named Dyck. He one day met his friend Carrot, who was later killed after being stuck into some girl's vagina.

Pear then became very sadistic and no one loved him, and he became mentally fruit-pressed. One day he met a Banana named Harvey Weinstein, and they got married and had children who were all named Minion. Eventually, the rest of his family died, and Pear was left slowly rotting away. His last words were, "I have finally 'peared' the consequences of all my actions."

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

What do you call it when an orphan takes a family photo? A selfie.

Q: What's yellow and can't swim?

A: A school bus full of children.

What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on one.

Asian pregnancy test: Stick a Rubik cube into vagina. Wait 30 seconds, if it's solved then there's a little Asian in there.

What is David Bowie known for when making music? He gets his beats from his kids.

Me: Are you an orphan?

Boy: Yeah, what gave me away?

Me: ....ur parents.

Why can't an orphan play baseball?

Because he can't find his parents.

What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves!

Just kidding, he hasn’t opened it yet.

My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.

If you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t like it as an adult.

I guess Hitler was forced to have vegetables when he was younger.

A rapist walks into a school and asks if they had 5 year olds in the school, and the teacher replies, "Are you that same person who took Jimmy?"

The man replies, "Yes," and the teacher says, "Take Susie too; she's being a little bitch."