Cat jokes

▄【デc̷a̷t̷══━一.

Spread the cat gun.

I told a Chinese man, "Which is better, cats or dogs?"

He said, "Dogs."

I said, "Why?"

He said, "Because dogs tasted better than cats."

What’s the difference between a hooker and a cat?

I haven’t banged a hooker.

I hit something when I pulled into my driveway.

And then I noticed that my cat was missing.

When you tell an Asian kid it’s raining cats and dogs and he’s like, “Just open your mouth and close your eyes!”

Landing on its feet won't help a cat in China...

Hang in there, you all, Literally.

Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.

Did you hear about the cat jail break out? It was a cat-tastrophe.

This one is for Gwen, I'm sorry people are so mean to you.

All the big cats gathered for a game of poker. Why did the tiger lose?

Because one of his opponents kept on lion. Another had a puma-nent poker face. But the real problem was the cheetah.

How are a mouse and a bale of hay alike?

The cat'll eat it (the cattle eat it).

Me holding a new cat: Say hi to my little friend!

My friends: Hi to my little friend!

Little Johnny brings his cat to school, and then the teacher asked him why. Little Johnny says, "Because I heard my dad tell my mom I'm going to eat that pussy up when the kids leave!"

If a bird flies, and a duck can also run and fly, while a cat walks, why do we drink water?

What do you do when your cat's dead?

Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.

What do you call a pile of cheese? A cheese grater.

What is the difference between an orphan and a cat?

The cat is actually cute.

What color flowers do mama cats like to get?

Purrrrrrrple flowers.

One day my dog died because we couldn't find him. Then we got a cat on the same day. Then my cat went missing, and when I was crying, we heard our Asian neighbor was having a party. Then we went over and I saw my dog and cat on the grill, and they ate them in front of me, saying "yum yum doggy in my tummy and cat in my tummy as well."

One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:

"Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"

"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."

"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"

"Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"

"I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! Please help, please help!"