Cat jokes

My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.

She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!

I hit something when I pulled into my driveway.

And then I noticed that my cat was missing.

Would a depressed person enjoy a cat scratch? After all, it's a free slice.

What has two legs and is red all over?

Half a cat.

Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? Now it's a sourpuss.

What did the cat say when he was stuck on a thorn-bush?

"Meow!"

Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.

Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tail.

POV: A person made you mad, but you're Chinese and they have a cat. "CHING CHONG, CHING CHONG, CHING CHONG, BITCH."

Fun fact! If you steal your sister's cat, she will be mad.

Little Johnny brings his cat to school, and then the teacher asked him why. Little Johnny says, "Because I heard my dad tell my mom I'm going to eat that pussy up when the kids leave!"

What is Puss In Boots' favorite boot brand?

CAT!

What is the difference between an orphan and a cat?

The cat is actually cute.

I have two things I wanna say:

1. When people swear, stop taking it so fucking literally. If someone calls you a bitch, they're not calling you a female dog. If they call you a cunt, they're not calling you a woman's private part, they are calling you either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby, or something along those lines, ffs.

2. wtf

Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs? Yes, hailing taxis.

There are 5 cats on a boat, and 1 jumps off. How many are left?

Zero, they were copycats.

This Chinese girl didn't know what a sausage roll was, so I replied, "It's like a spring roll with sausage in it, but not any dog or cat how you have it."

A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”

The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”

Guess who dies next.

Question: How did the cat cross the river?

Answer: It didn’t, it drowned.

I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put it down.