Cat jokes

One day my dog died because we couldn't find him. Then we got a cat on the same day. Then my cat went missing, and when I was crying, we heard our Asian neighbor was having a party. Then we went over and I saw my dog and cat on the grill, and they ate them in front of me, saying "yum yum doggy in my tummy and cat in my tummy as well."

One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:

"Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"

"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."

"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"

"Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"

"I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! Please help, please help!"

What is a cat's favorite Queen song... Don't stop meow.

What did Schrödinger say to Shakespeare?

"To be and not to be."

Where did the eye doctor keep all his kittens? On Cat-A-Racks!

How do cats relieve themselves in front of people? By licking their puss.

How do cats masturbate? They lick they pussy.

Puss.

When the ugliest cat looked at you, then you search up the ugliest thing in the world, you show up.

Hello ppls, I'm lilkitten ig.

How on God's green earth does my boyfriend have a phone?

JK WE NEED TO TALK ILL TYPE THE SECRET CODE (YOU'LL KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.) GREEN PUSSY CAT LIKES BANNANS.

Q: If cats have cat babies, dogs have dog babies, and tigers have tiger babies, what do fish have?

A: Eggs.

While I was walking on the road, a cat crossed my road, and 5 min later I found it fell in the gutter.

Does your cat scratch you?

Yeah, I need [to] give him payback, but now he won't respond.

Biggest lie ever told: it was the cat.

"Hey Kels, what's on your arm?"

"Oh, that was the cat."

"We don't have a cat..."

"Oh..."

How do you make a cat say woof? You cover it in petrol and light a match.

What's a cat's favorite color? Purr-ple.

In a proud, boastful voice, Gemma told the old Chinese woman who was babysitting her that onions were the only food that could make you cry. The woman nodded and said that was true enough.

They continued eating for a while. "This is really good!" the little girl exclaimed. "What's this meat?"

The old lady replied with: "Well, there was a brown dog in your yard that wouldn't stop yapping."

"Gosh, it's raining cats and dogs," said Suzie, looking out of the kitchen window.

"I know," said her mother, "I've just stepped in a poodle!"