Career jokes

I want to make another joke about Josef Vasicek, but I think if I make the NHL, I'll die in an airplane crash, so I won't risk it again.

A handicapped person tells a good joke, but he can't be a stand up comedian.

One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

Kid: How much do you get paid?

Teacher: Minimum wage.

How does a pimp answer when asked why he chose his occupation?

Answer: He wanted a stable source of income.

Hi there! My name is Michael Grover, and I am an explorer. Ever since I’ve been little, I’ve loved searching for new things. As a baby, my parents kept finding me in nooks and crannies around the house. “On the search,” as they would say.

By the age of 5, I had been to every continent on the planet, barring Antarctica. For my 12th birthday, my parents got me diving lessons, and by the time I was 13, I could scuba dive to a depth of 40 meters, as well as go cave diving.

I got a pilot’s license by the age of 17, and I learned to sail just before my 18th birthday. Instead of going to university, I decided to travel around South America, exploring its rich jungles and beautiful landscapes.

During my trip, I met my now wife who was also an explorer. For our honeymoon, we sailed around the Caribbean, and we discovered 3 new islands which we named after the cats that I had growing up.

Over the course of my life, I have come across great treasures and wondrous experiences. But in all my life, and in all my travels, I’m afraid I have never come across a single person who cared about what you just said.

The teacher asked the class what they wanted to be when they grew up.

Johnny said when he grows up he's going to be a motherfucking hustler. He's going to have a wife and live in a big house in the country with maids and butlers and drive a Rolls-Royce, and he's also going to have an apartment in the city where his side bitch is going to live. He's going to buy her expensive jewelry, whatever she wants: cars, diamonds, clothes, shoes.

The teacher didn't know what to say, so she calls on Sally. "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Sally said, "I want to be Johnny's bitch."

So Johnny Depp made an appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards as an astronaut. It really looks like he wants to be the new Elon Musk, whatever career path is most viable for Depp. I got to admit, if launching crystal meth into your nostrils and your anus is as viable as launching rockets to Mars, Johnny Depp would surpass Elon Musk in net worth.

Then again, the money Depp spends on alcohol each month, he could have bought all of Michael Bloomberg's penthouses in Manhattan. Sure sounds like he also shares the same financial advisor as Donald Trump, who thought it was a magnificent idea to launch Trump Airlines and Trump Ice. He already shares the same pro-Kremlin lawyer, by the way.

So, if being a paedophile is a career, then burying the bodies must be gardening.

I have a great job for you, but you have to start it off...

Knock, knock...

Who's there?

I don't know?!?

Why don't rappers ever become chefs?

Because they can't stop droppin' the beet!

Why did the rapper become a pilot?

Because he wanted to take his flow to new heights!

Why did the rapper become a chef?

Because he wanted to drop some HOT PLATES.

What do you call a rapper who can’t rhyme?

Unemployed.

I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

Why did the rapper climb a ladder during his performance?

He wanted to take his career to the NEXT LEVEL!

Why did the rapper become a mathematician?

To count his STACKS of CASH.

Why did the rapper become an astronaut?

To drop some BARS in SPACE!

Why did the rapper become a locksmith?

Because he always had the KEYS!