Career jokes

A buddy and I checked out some books from a local library. When we returned them, he said, "Your sister works the returns, right?" I told him, "Yes, she does, and she will be here in about five minutes." He said, "Why don’t we put a cookbook in the women’s sports section?" I told him, "I love it!" So I picked out a Reese Witherspoon book.

Kid: How much do you get paid?

Teacher: Minimum wage.

One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"

A handicapped person tells a good joke, but he can't be a stand up comedian.

Why does Johnny Sins cover his pants, but it doesn't work?

Because the long, hard thing can't chirp down.

Tell it to your parents and friends!

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

Why do women need a pay rise? Isn't the glass ceiling high enough?

I want to make another joke about Josef Vasicek, but I think if I make the NHL, I'll die in an airplane crash, so I won't risk it again.

I'd make a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't fly anymore.

And if I tried it, it would probably crash and burn.

It just wouldn't help my comedy career take off.

I sat down and reminisced about the past. I remembered all the people I've lost along the way.

Maybe becoming a tour guide wasn't a good idea.

Why did the rapper open a bakery?

Because he wanted to make dough.

Why was the rapper always in a rush?

Because he was on the FAST TRACK to RAP STARDOM!

Why did the rapper open a bakery?

To make some DOUGH while he dropped his beats!

Why did the rapper always carry a map?

So he could navigate his way through the rap game.

Why did the rapper become a chef?

Because he wanted to drop some HOT MIXTAPES.

Why did the rapper always carry a map?

Because he wanted to FIND his way to the TOP.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So I went in as Batman.

What's the difference between Rorochan and skydivers?

One does it for the cash, the other for the views.

"When I was in jail, my girlfriend abandoned me. I created a fascination with becoming a gynecologist. When I got bailed out, I became a Travis Bickle."

How does a pimp answer when asked why he chose his occupation?

Answer: He wanted a stable source of income.