I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?
Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"
Why do strippers never care about things?
Because the last time they gave a fuck, it was for $20 an hour.
No one cares if you bully an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
On a scale of Johnny Depp having an erectile dysfunction to Michael Jackson exposing himself in a child day care center, how hard is it to get into Oxford?
How to get quick cash:
Step 1: Kill a child's parents.
Step 2: Do foster care for them.
Step 3: Get paid for doing foster care.
Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?
Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.
Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.
A boy with Down Syndrome was talking with his mom.
“Mom, why did God make me like this?” he said.
“It’s because God made you special,” she said.
“Just kidding, I was only talking about your needs.”
A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.
"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."
How to make an orphan's hands hurt: Make them clap their hands till their parents come back.
My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"
Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.
what does an orphanage and a hospital have in common?
people go there to fix their mistakes.
I told a joke and someone said, "no one asked." Then I said, "no one would care to even ask."
What’s an orphan's favorite drink?
Fosters.
I asked, "Where are your parents?" and oh god, I love working at an orphanage.
My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.
A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
So I heard Kenny's mom got moved to a nursing home.
He'll probably leave her alone now.
He doesn't eat vegetables.
Everyone likes orphans but their parents.
Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.
