Card jokes

Why are orphans so bad at poker?

They don’t know what a full house is!

So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

That poor kid, he was fine until I bought him a mother's day card for his mum. The second he saw it, he burst out crying...

What does a slave owner use to buy slaves? A Master Card.

I kicked a ball into someone. Now I got a red card.

I tried to adopt an orphan. The card got declined harder than the child did.

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."

Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs.

How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

Why didn't the pirate want to play cards?

Because he was standing on the deck!

Why was the kid's report card all wet?

Because it was below "sea" level.

How are Fortnite cards and orphans similar? They're given away.

What is the worst animal to play cards with? A cheater.

What did the adopted poker player say?

"Will you raise me?"

Yo mama so slutty the abortion clinic gave her a loyalty card and coupon for 20% off her next abortion.

If you read this, you lost your v card.

GIVEAWAAAAAAY!!!

Okay, 19 dollar Fortnite card. Who wants it? And yes, I’m giving it away. Remember: Share, share, share! And trolls: Don’t get BLOCKED!

What is a yellow dog Libertarian?

A yellow dog Libertarian is a Libertarian who is blindly loyal to the Libertarian Party, he or she who is a yellow dog Libertarian is a card carrying member of the Libertarian Party who would not vote for a progressive Democrat or a conservative Republican even if their life depended on it! 🐕 🗽

A man marries a blonde chick, lives a happy life together, and the man asks his wife if she wants kids. She says "yes".

So, a couple of years go by, and they have one boy and one girl. They go to school, go home with their report cards, and the dad asks what their grades were. The son says he's not doing well, same with the daughter. They ask why they're doing so bad in school, and the dad replies with "ask your mother that question!"