Card jokes
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Awww, don't cry!
What does this joke and half a deck of cards have in common? You can't even deal with it!
So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.
According to all known laws of aviation,
there is no way a bee should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway
because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.
Barry! Breakfast is ready!
Coming!
Hang on a second.
Hello?
- Barry? - Adam?
- Can you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up.
Looking sharp.
Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.
Sorry. I'm excited.
Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.
A perfect report card, all B's.
Very proud.
Ma! I got a thing going here.
- You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me!
- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye!
Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!
If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?
Your mama's so fat, she needed NASA to make her ID card!
The Ace of Spades was Hippy Flipping.
If you read this, you lost your v card.
Free blacks in the Civil War is the same as me drawing a reverse card in Uno.
How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.
What is the worst animal to play cards with? A cheater.
Why can orphans not play bingo?
Because they can't get a full house.
How are Fortnite cards and orphans similar? They're given away.
What has a heart but no organs?
A deck of cards!
Two lepers playing cards... one threw his hand in; the other laughed his head off.
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
What card is the slowest and slimiest?
Ace-nail.
What is a card carrying lesbian feminist?
A carpet muncher who is a card carrying member of the National Organization For Women.
Everyone at the Queen's funeral:
Me and the boys getting her reboot card.
A man marries a blonde chick, lives a happy life together, and the man asks his wife if she wants kids. She says "yes".
So, a couple of years go by, and they have one boy and one girl. They go to school, go home with their report cards, and the dad asks what their grades were. The son says he's not doing well, same with the daughter. They ask why they're doing so bad in school, and the dad replies with "ask your mother that question!"