Car jokes

Looking at me is like being on your phone, in a car, on a long trip. You're fine for the first 10 minutes, then after that you feel sick.

One day a mom who looked like a pig broke the car down.

Are you lightning?

Because you're McQueen.

Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.

Stacy: Honey, I'm kinda new to texting, what does lol mean?

Justin: I'm not sure, "lots of love," I guess.

Margaret: Stacy, are you there? I don't know if you heard, but Amber and her three kids were killed in a car crash this morning. I'm in total shock!

Stacy: lol

If blind people could play go-kart, it very quickly turns into bumper cars.

How do you get 50 babies into a car?

You blend them.

Knock knock. Who's there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollinnnnnn!

Why did the dog cross the road?

It didn't. Got hit by a car on the way to the other side.

How does Stephen Hawking get clean?

He uses Tesco car wash.

They say that bad things happen to good people.

So if you get run over by a car just know you're a good person.

A Ford?

As the car crashed, someone said, "I see a light!"

What do you call a Mexican with an m3?

A greaser.

What do you call a Japanese car thief?

Tommy took a motor.

A professional golfer driving his Porsche picked up an Irish girl hitchhiker. He had his golfing gear on the back seat. The Irish girl picked up something and asked, "What are these?"

"Those are tees," he said. "I rest my balls on them when I drive."

"Wow!" said the girl. "What will those car makers think of next!"

Two natives sit in the bar getting shit-faced.

Almost closing time, "Brother, you gonna snag?"

"Yeah, I'm taking her home."

He walks over, she gathers her things. Walking out together, he takes her to his car outback. They stay messing around then start having sex. He starts to get carried away. He looks down at her. She looks up at him and says, "Slow down, cousin, you're going too fast..."

A blonde starts a new job at a local car dealership when a wealthy gentleman comes in looking for a spacious car for his large family. The blonde is excited as she gets commission, so eagerly shows him the most expensive SUVs.

The gentleman has a good look around before saying to the blonde, "It looks perfect.... But cargo space?" To which she instantly replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, sir, car only for road."

Two drunk men spot a pig on some old farmer's land.

And they were real hungry (or so they said), and they both decided to take the pig with them into their car and eat it somewhere.

And so they did, and the farmer came out with a gun while they hurriedly drove off, and the farmer said, "Well goddammit, if it was a pig they wanted, why didn't they just take my wife?"

What is a dog that you can drive?

A big doggy car.